I Won't Be With Them

I had a startling realization today that almost broke my heart. In about 5 weeks, the sisters that entered the Missionary Training Center the same time I did will be returning home to their families, having faithfully completed 18 months of missionary service. And I won't be with them.

It's been almost 8 months since I have returned home, and the emotions are still there. The disappointment in myself that I didn't stay in Alabama for the full 18 months. The doubt that I wasn't enough for my mission president, fellow missionaries, and the Lord. The self loathing that I didn't do enough for what I knew to be true. The idea that even though I attempted to give my all, it really wasn't my all, that I could have done better.

I'm terrified that I'm never going to lose these emotions. That no matter how deep I try to bury them, how much I try to ignore them, they will always be there, always with me. How am I to escape them when I can't get rid of the desire to fan their flames? I feel like they have to be a part of me now, and I dwell on them when I know I probably shouldn't. I try to direct my focus elsewhere, such as the scriptures, gospel teachings, Christ's Atonement, the temple, or other wholesome things, yet the negative ideas keep coming back. I'm never going to escape them.

I sometimes wish I could just sleep my life away. How much easier it would be to continuously be in a dream world where nothing goes wrong. To sleep in peace and never worry about not being good enough.

I feel so isolated from the other missionaries that I served with. I follow some other RM's on social media and feel almost left out. I didn't get the same experiences that they did so I feel as though I can't relate to them. Once more I feel like the outsider who doesn't fit in with what everybody else is doing.

Even as I write my thoughts, the Spirit whispers and confirms to me the things I already know to be true. This Earth life wasn't meant to be a dream world. We weren't sent here to be comfortable. We were sent to Earth to work and sweat and bleed and earn and grow into our best selves. This trial will most likely be one that follows me for the rest of my life because it tests and stretches me in ways that nothing else can. We weren't meant to be the same. We were meant to be beautifully different. Our strengths and our weaknesses are opposite and complimentary to those around us. That is what makes the world go round. Our life is about progress, especially in little steps. My friend posted this on Instagram the other day and it is beautiful.

I'm a dancer; it's what I do. So this isn't a disaster, this is just another dance step in my personal dance number. And I can allow the audience to notice that I did the wrong choreography, or I can help them believe that I was supposed to do that and move on with the rest of the piece. I choose to move on.

Apologies From Anxiety and Depression

We're sorry.

We're sorry for taking over your loved one. For making her feel like everything was going wrong in her life, even though it's not. For pointing out all that could go wrong and distracting her from all that was going right. For consuming her to the point where she didn't want to be in your company anymore. For making her feel like it was her fault that she couldn't control us.

We're sorry.

We're sorry for taking over your life. For taking those great moments and focusing only on what went wrong in them. For making a big deal out of little ones, and convincing you that things had to be a certain way when it really didn't matter. For telling you that you weren't good enough to be a missionary because you had to deal with us.

We're sorry.

We really truly are. We're sorry for taking your life of joy and making it miserable by being there every second of the day. For tainting the memories of joyous occasions with our pungent smells that compliment in the most vile of ways . We're sorry that you get us under control and begin to feel normal once more and we drop in for a surprise visit.

We're sorry.

We're sorry for the pain we've caused in your relationships. For the space we put between you and your boyfriend because you wanted to cope with us on your own. For making you feel like you had no one to turn to and that we would be your only company until you found a way on your own to make us leave and be gone for good. We're sorry that you didn't realize earlier that we're not something you can handle on your own.

But look how far you've come. Look at the things you've faced and the challenges you've overcome. We're so proud of you, for all that you did while we were by your side. We can see that it's still a challenge for you to admit that we are with you, but you've gotten so much better at it. And really, our visits seem to be getting fewer and farther between. As big as we seem to be, and as much as we appear to block your path, it's only because we're right in front of you. If you were to push us back, you would come to realize that we're no bigger than the height of your knees. You keep pushing, you keep trying. It's been done before by so many others and you can do it too. We're never going to fully leave you; we like you too much for that. But soon you'll be able to get your space back and you can build those relationships that you want. Trust us. It's all going to work out in the end.

That Empty Space

I miss him, but I fear that I miss the space he took up. I'm worried that I don't like the hole he left and that because I know he would easily fill it again, I miss him. What do I know of love?

I am terrified of love. I am terrified of loving someone so deeply and purely, of taking their happiness forever into my own hands. I'm scared of not being enough for him, of not doing enough for him. I'm selfish and I'm worried I won't get over that to be able to give him what he needs. At this point in my life, I'm not ready to be done being selfish. This is my time, and I want to have it for as long as I possibly can. Don't get me wrong, I dream of the day when I get to be a wife and care for my husband and nurture our children. But when that opportunity started to get close, I ran for the hills. Now I'm looking back and wondering what I missed out on. And how do I get it back? I don't know if he wanted to break up with me because it's what I wanted, or if it's because he didn't want to be with me anymore.

Then all these questions start whirling around, and I can't focus enough to grasp even one to think about. Have I done something awful by pushing him away? Was he the one I could have been the happiest with? Will I be able to find someone as good as he was? Is he even missing me right now? Does he think about me as often as I catch myself thinking about him?

I am having this conversation with a friend right now about our different relationships, specifically that of mission companions who don't get along at first yet wind up being the best of friends. I quote him here: "It could also be that we go through the thick and thin with them, for lack of a better term. It seems to me that a longer lasting relationship could develop when there is a lot of different trials to experience as opposed to those who don't have as many trials."
My response: "I like the way you phrased that. Just as our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ strengthen because of our trials [us being brought closer to them] our earthly relationships can be strengthened because of them [our trials]."

Maybe this is a trial that will strengthen our relationship. I'm scared to hold onto the smallest bit of hope that it is, that our relationship will work out. I don't want to be afraid to love him, yet I am. I know I need to pray about all of this, yet I'm fearful of the answer. I want the college life back. I want to go on lots of dates and hang out with lots of different guys. Yet I don't want to be with any of those guys, and I don't want them to get the wrong impression. I just want to go out and have fun with my friends and not have to worry about someone else. How selfish am I, wanting just to worry about me, when my big heart wants to worry about everyone else at the same time.

If you've managed to get through this conflicted blog post, congratulations. I am very impressed. If you have any insights/comments please feel free to leave them below. I would love to hear whatever you have to offer!

Definitely Not Alone

This week has been a hard week for me. I'm working full time and dating a great guy, so between work and the boyfriend, I have little time for anything else and that's really starting to take it's toll on me. I need this job, and this job needs me because there are only about four full time workers who know a lot about what they are doing. The boy feels like he needs me, but I'm not so sure I need the boy right now. I tried to break up with him tonight, but he didn't see a valid reason for us to break up, so he thinks he's just giving me some space, and that I'll talk to him again soon, but I'm not so sure.

Can people fall out of love? I tell this boy I love him, then a week later feel almost nothing for him. In fact, it stresses me out to think about hanging out and being with him. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I've been focusing on other people for far too long and neglecting myself. Now I have a chance to focus on myself and don't know what to do. How am I supposed to get better if I don't know how to do it?

Confession: I've been neglecting my prayer and scripture study recently. I know that's had an affect on my emotions and the way I've been feeling. So tonight I grabbed my Book of Mormon, flipped open to a random page and started reading:

                 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictionsand temptations of every kind; and this that the                  word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

                  12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loosethe bands of death which bind his people; and                       he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh,                   that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

                  13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that                     he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to                     the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Of course! Of course I flipped open to the scripture that brought me strength and comfort on my mission. Of course the three verses I would read tonight would be ones that would remind me that I'm definitely not facing this trial alone. 

Earlier today in Sacrament meeting at church, my bishop shared this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

          Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and                     happiness ahead.  Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some           don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus               Christ, they come.

How wonderful it is to have a Father in Heaven who is fully aware of me and knows how to answer my prayers when I don't even know what to ask for! How extremely blessed I am to have this knowledge of the restored gospel to lift me and strengthen me. I add my fervent testimony to that of the ancient prophet Alma and modern day apostle Elder Holland. Christ suffered for you personally, and there are blessings within your grasp. Keep walking, dear friend. You are definitely not alone. 

Are Missions Really the Best?

Why are missions the best?
"Missions are the greatest thing ever!" Is a cliche saying that all returned missionaries say. So do I believe it when I too exclaim it, or am I just saying it because that's what I've heard repeated over the years?

I can see where people are coming from when they make this claim, because I did have some really good moments on my mission. There were moments when I felt the Spirit testifying truth as we taught lessons. I felt the love that Heavenly Father must feel for all His children. I met some amazing people and forged lasting friendships because of the 9 months I spent in Alabama serving the Lord. But 6 out of those 9 months were extremely difficult for me. I entered the field and did not have a clue as to what I was doing. I followed my trainer around like a scared bunny rabbit because I didn't want to say or do the wrong thing. I didn't have the confidence or the courage to speak boldly like my trainer did. When I was transferred and given a new companion, speaking still did not come easily to me, although it did to her and I wasn't given many opportunities to become better at it. The same thing happened with my next companion. The one after, however, was heaven sent. My fourth companion was the sweetest ever and helped my confidence to grow because she simply loved me and believed in me. She went out of her way to serve me, as did the companion after that.

I had some miserable moments on my mission, times when I didn't know if I was good enough to be out there claiming the things that I did. I didn't have the confidence to do the work as I felt I ought. I was discouraged and didn't want to be out there. But because I was, I became a better person. I was brought so low, that I had to turn to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I began to understand the enabling power of the Atonement, because boy did I need it. It was a daily struggle to get up and going in the morning, and I know it was only because of Him that I could do it. I was given a deeper understanding and love for God's children. These are two of the things that I carry with me today. My confidence has grown, and even though it takes some nose dives on some days, I know who I can turn to to help me out.

So yes,  I was miserable 6 out of the 9 months I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But I was also the happiest I've ever been. Missions really are the best.

The Garden of Your Mind

Sundays are always great days. I am able to attend church and for 3 hours I get to feel the presence of the Holy Ghost so strongly. It is an opportunity for the Lord to communicate with me as I listen to those who have been guided by the Spirit in preparing talks and lessons. Today Bishop Pyper taught a combined lesson and said something that I really needed to hear. He said:

"From time to time you need to go through the garden of your mind and weed out the bad thoughts. Not just the unclean thoughts but the negative ones that weigh you down and depress you. Weeds grow best where nothing else is growing. So, keep the garden of your mind full of good things to keep the weeds out."

Will you leave your garden barren, perfect for weeds of self doubt and self loathing to grow? Or will you work on your garden, pulling out the bad and replacing it with the good? Some days will be tough, but as you actively take notice of what is growing in your mind and replace those thoughts of unworthiness and self-pity with thoughts of the Savior's love for you, you will notice a difference in your attitude and you will be happier.

I have come to know through my own experiences how damaging focusing on a bad thought can be. When I nitpick my actions and what I'm doing, when I focus on the little bad things in my life, they grow and become huge and overwhelming to the point where that is all I see in my life. Too often I find myself nourishing my weeds instead of nourishing my flowers.

But when I focus on my flowers and the things that I am good at, my talents and my strengths, they bloom and my attitude changes. The sun comes out and life is beautiful. Your mind is the easiest rose garden to tend to. You literally just need to focus on your flowers and cast your weeds to the wayside. I can promise you that as you focus on the good instead of the bad, your attitude and how you view yourself will change and your life will become better.

So do you want weeds, or do you want flowers?

The Greatest Compliment

What good will a covenant do if you don't uphold your end? 

A covenant is a sacred agreement between God and a person or group of people. God sets specific conditions, and He promises to bless us as we obey those conditions. 

We have many names we are called by on this Earth. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Teacher, Friend, etc. The most important name we are called is child of God. Committed children of the covenant push forward no matter what. The greatest compliment that can be received in this life is to be known as a covenant keeper. As we keep the covenants and commandments of the Lord we will grow in confidence.


I can see the blessings that come from being a covenant keeper. They aren't always big. In fact, most often the blessings are small and you would miss them if you weren't paying attention. There is an added strength that comes from keeping your part of the promise. Heavenly Father blesses you through your trials as you faithfully serve Him and endure what is placed before you. Either He will take that burden from you, or He will strengthen your back to be able to bear the load. 

Improving Ourselves

This weekend is stake conference for my singles stake in Rexburg. I'll give you one guess as to what the main topic of the talks were to young singles in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That's right: Marriage. I can imagine all the eye rolls that happened when the first speaker started to talk about the importance of marriage and having a family. As part of the LDS culture, marriage is a popular topic that we've all heard on many occasions. As singles, we are always being asked about when we are going to get married and start a family. It's not like we don't want that, it's just that we don't quite get the importance of it right now.

I had this thought while listening to the first speaker as he talked about his family and the love he expressed for them. "The leaders of our church know the joy from having families and they want us to have and experience that joy. That's why they push marriage and family so much."

My favorite thing was how they related having a family to us singles now. The Saturday evening session talked about strengthening ourselves now so we can be prepared for our families when the time comes. It was an answer to my prayers, on how to improve myself.

-Don't just say your prayers. Speak them to someone who is really listening. 

THINK about what you are saying.

-You cannot read the scriptures too much. Life changing statement right there. 

You can always read the scriptures, no matter if you've read them that day already.

-Give 10% of your time to the Lord. 

-Always attend church meetings.

-Go often to the temple.

-Take the time now to strengthen your testimony.

-Offer sincere prayers daily.

-Look for the Spirit to guide you.

Thin of the ancestors who volunteered in the preexistence to live during the periods of Earth's history when the gospel was missing.  Think of their willingness to suffer and have a hard life so you can have the gospel in your life. They only ask that you help them receive the gospel, too. 

The Things You Learn When You End Up in the Wrong Ward

My first Sunday in Rexburg was spent {on accident} in the wrong ward. I thought I was in the right place for the right ward, but I was mistaken. Luckily for me, everyone in Rexburg is really friendly so I was taken in as though it had been my ward. So in this singles ward that was not mine, we read in Acts chapter 10 and discussed the story of Cornelius during Sunday School, which is the second hour of our 3 hour church. Verses 1 through 8 of Acts chapter 10 start the story off for us. Cornelius is described as a centurion, or soldier, for the Italian army. So Cornelius, this Roman soldier, is "a devout man, and one that feared God with all his house, which gave much alms to the people, and prayed to God alway." {verse 2}.

One night, Cornelius has a vision. In this vision, an angel of the Lord appears to him and says to him "Thy prayers and thine alms are come up for a memorial before God. And now send men to Joppa, and call for one Simon, whose surname is Peter." As someone else in the class had pointed out, Simon Peter is one of Jesus Christ's disciples. This story takes place after Christ's Crucifixion, Resurrection, and ascension into heaven. Simon Peter is now the prophet of the Lord. So the angel didn't appear to Cornelius and tell him directly the answer to his prayer. The angel appeared and instructed Cornelius to go to a prophet of God to know what to do. Cornelius was a very obedient man, and in the morning he sent servants to Joppa to bring Simon Peter back to instruct him.

While the servants of Cornelius are journeying to Joppa, Peter is having his own vision.
"And he saw heaven opened and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth,
Wherein were all manner of four-footed beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.
But Peter said. Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.
And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." {verses 11-15}.

According to the Mosaic Law, Jews were not allowed to partake of unclean animals. Peter pondered over the vision he saw, wondering what it could mean. But it wasn't referring to the partaking of unclean animals that the Lord had suddenly deemed "clean." Another part of the Mosaic Law was that Jews could not interact with Gentiles for Gentiles did not believe their traditions and did not believe in their God. You may or may not have known this, but Cornelius was in fact a Gentile. When his servants came to Peter and asked him to visit their master, it finally dawns on him what God was trying to tell him in the vision. Heavenly Father was preparing a way for Cornelius and his family to accept the gospel into their lives. It was finally time to change the rules so that more families could be blessed by the knowledge of the gospel.

Another girl brought up a really good point towards the end of class. She wanted to know the difference between Gentiles learning the gospel or blacks receiving the priesthood back then and gay marriage or women receiving the priesthood today. Previously the prophet had been given revelation about changing the former two things, and she had heard people arguing that the prophet could pray to receive revelation for the latter two things. Then I received inspiration from above because the answer that came to mind did not come from me.

The family is central to Heavenly Father's plan. He created this Earth for man and gave us families and tools to protect our families so we could learn to be like Him and return home someday. So if it is something that will benefit the family, God will make it so. From the 1800's until 1978, blacks were not allowed to receive the priesthood. Not much of an explanation is given, although I wonder if it had something to do with the time period in which this took place. Anyways, the why is not important because God's ways are not our ways. What matters is that God saw that it was time to bless more of His children so worthy males of any ethnicity were now offered the priesthood. It is my opinion that the Lord will change things if it is for the benefit of the family. In Jerusalem, it was time to start teaching Gentiles and their families. In the 1970's it was time to bless families of African descent with priesthood holders in their homes.

It is also my opinion that gay marriage and women holding the priesthood is not good for families. These two items destroy families. Heavenly Father did not set up a man and a man or a woman and a woman to "multiply and replenish the earth." It is physically not possible for homosexual partners to reach their full potential because they are not with someone who can help them achieve that full potential. A man and a woman are needed for a family to receive the full care they are expected to receive. A man has the priesthood to provide spiritually. A woman has motherhood to provide physically, through nurturing. The father provides financially for his family while mother stays at home to care for the children. That is the way Heavenly Father set it up, and that is how it will survive.

A Fresh Start

You'll never guess where I am right now. I can't even believe it myself. I have my very own apartment that I am paying for all by myself. I've been working at a gelato shop since coming home and teaching dance in my home. I saved up every little penny so I could move out to Idaho and be on my own. I believe this is a very necessary part of my healing process. When I was living in the home I grew up in, I had fallen back into my old habits. I was staying up late watching t.v. only to sleep in late to get up to watch more t.v. Life had become this cycle of doing nothing to strengthen my relationship with Heavenly Father. I didn't read my scriptures any more, hardly ever said a sincere prayer just to talk with Him. The time had come for something to be done. Since I will be starting classes at BYU-I in January, I came to the conclusion that it was time to move to Idaho and get a job and forge my own life. Essentially, it was time for a fresh start to save my relationship with my Father in Heaven.

And it was the best thing I could have done for myself. My roommate is amazing. She's been living here for several months already and she has brought the Spirit into this little apartment so wonderfully. She has pictures of Jesus Christ everywhere and pictures of the temple. She's always talking about gospel topics and expressing her love for the restored gospel. Every night we do apartment prayer and her scriptures are always nearby. It's been a great loving reminder, and whether she knows it or not, she's been the reason my relationship is already stronger. She is such a great example to me and I will forever be grateful for her.

I was reading last night in Tanner's Book of Mormon. {I'm reading a blue copy of the Book of Mormon with my little brother in mind and I'm marking things and writing inspirational quotes, anything that I think will help him on his mission} In 1 Nephi 16:10, Nephi's father Lehi discovers "a round ball of curious workmanship." This is the Liahona, given to the family to guide them to the Promised Land. Within the Liahona are two spindles, one which points the way "whither we should go into the wilderness." I wrote on a sticky note for Tanner this simple question: "What are the spindles that guide you through the wilderness?" Take a moment and answer that for yourself.

I know that God didn't just put us on this Earth to wander around clueless, just as He didn't send Nephi's family into the wilderness to perish. That's not the purpose of this Earth life and I am so grateful for that. Heavenly Father has given us plenty of tools to get back to Him. He has given us prophets, both ancient and modern, to guide and instruct us. As we read the Bible,the Book of Mormon, and modern scripture such as the Doctrine and Covenants and conference talks, we will have a better understanding of what Heavenly Father wants for us. We can also pray to bring our lives closer to His. Prayer is a communication tool. You're not just throwing words out into the wind. When you pray to your Father in Heaven, you're praying to someone who loves you more than you can comprehend. He knows the desires of your heart before you figure out how to vocalize them. If you have righteous desires, He will give them to you.

There are so many more things we've been given that can and do guide us in the wilderness and point us back to Him. We are not alone in this life.

Attainable Happiness: A Message from the Tattooed Mormon

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to Al Fox Caraway, otherwise known as "The Tattooed Mormon," speak. Al definitely has a talent for speaking and captivating large audiences. I loved her instantly, and that love grew as I listened to her message of real, attainable happiness.

It's interesting to me that Al's story isn't one of leaving her sorrowful life behind and finding a better one through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Rather, her story is one of swapping out what she thought was the happiest self she could be for an even happier self. Al talked about how, at age 20, she thought she had everything she needed to be happy, that she was at the peak of happiness. She didn't realize that anything was missing from her life. Then she met the missionaries and saw something "different" about them. Al discovers that she wants them around so she can feel that difference in her life too.  As she continues her story, there are moments when she is humbled and has a chance to actually listen to the Holy Ghost talking to her, telling her how she can attain real happiness. "It wasn't until I gave my 'real' try that I started to overcome what I thought I could never overcome." "Happiness is real. Happiness is attainable. It doesn't come from any other source than the gospel of Jesus Christ."

Al Caraway tells her story so much better than I could ever sum up here on my blog, but I will leave the things that impressed my heart enough to write them down. I am so grateful that she shared her experiences and her testimony with us tonight for it truly has inspired me to work for lasting happiness.

"The moment you stop and take a break, that is the moment when fear, doubt, anxiety, and depression set in and take you down a path Heavenly Father doesn't want to see you go down."
 
"It all comes down to one choice, so choose God."

"I wouldn't have any of the beautiful, wonderful things in my life if I didn't choose God every single day."
"Where would I be if [my elders] stopped because they thought they weren't making a difference in my life?"

"God is an unchangeable God, not just for commandments but for His love. He will always love you."

"Forget not whose Hands you are in."

"Do not let giving up be an option."

If you would like to know more of Al's story, head on over to her blog!
http://alfoxshead.blogspot.com/2013/04/tattooed-mormon.html 

Find a Mr. M.

I have recently started dating a really great guy. Mr. M, we'll call him, isn't great when it comes to the things of the world. He doesn't make buckets and buckets of money at his super fancy job. He doesn't wear designer clothes and is up on the latest trends. Mr. M. does have a nice car, but that's because he takes care of it. It's not a luxurious sports car, but rather something modest that fits his needs. Mr. M. doesn't have any of these things, but that is OK because he doesn't need any of those things. Mr. M. is great because of who he is. This is who Mr. M. is.

He is a great listener.
      I'm not much of a talker to begin with, but with Mr. M., I am so comfortable to ramble and say           anything and everything that comes to mind because I know he accepts me for who I am and               wants to hear what I have to say.
He fulfills his church calling.
      Mr. M. knows his duties and what needs to be done to fulfill his calling and serve the members of       the ward. He doesn't dillydally and he makes sure everything is complete.
He is respectful.
      Not once have I felt afraid in Mr. M's presence. I know that he will treat me as a daughter of God.
He is kind and caring.
He is funny.
He happy with who he is.
He encourages me.
He lifts me up and does things to make me smile.
He constantly serves me in the smallest of ways that make the biggest impacts.
     {stopping at Target and searching out the biggest bottle of water we could find.}
He sings along to the radio when we're driving in the car. And he car dances too!
He is passionate about life.

The Year Mark

Exactly one year ago today, I wrote this entry in my bright pink mission journal as I was preparing for bed:
                This marks the end of my first day in the MTC {Missionary Training Center}. Last night I was stressing out over coming in because I wasn't quite prepared. I didn't have all the things done that I needed. I really shouldn't have worried as much as I did. Today has been great.

I've come to realize that this is my learning process: to have things repeated over and over and over and over and over again. Those first few sentences capture the biggest lesson I learned on my mission, and the lesson that I am still learning in life. The whole moral of my life story is don't stress. God has it all under control. Worrying and stressing about it only makes it worse, and the result is always the same. The result is always His ending.

One of my little quirks is that I like to have control of everything that I can. I want things to go according to my plan, and if they don't, my little world sorta falls apart. As I write this, I'm reaching the conclusion that that is why Heavenly Father sent me on a mission. Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was never part of my plan. Yet He planted the desire in my heart so that He could help me learn to trust His plan and His timing. I'm a long ways away from completely "putting off the natural man" {Mosiah chapter 3, verse 19, Book of Mormon} but, because of my mission, I am two steps closer to aligning my will to His.

Once I made the decision to serve the Lord with all of my heart, might, mind and strength, {Doctrine and Covenants section 4, verse 2} I thought that, in order to serve with all my heart, might, mind strength, I would need to serve the whole 18 months. But the Lord's timing is different for everyone. My 9 month mission was something that I did with all of my everything. I can say with a clear conscience that I gave the Lord my everything in Alabama. There may have been days that weren't as good as others, but it was a learning experience and I was a little bit better each day. I am eternally grateful for ALL the experiences, good and bad, that I had in Alabama. I am grateful for the people I met and the way that they individually shaped my life. If I had not served a mission, I would not be the woman I am today, and I would not be as close as I am to being the woman God would have me be.

With my AMAZING parents, being dropped off at the MTC.

 All of the missionaries flying to Alabama.

 

While Wearing Steel Boots and a Backpack Full of Rocks

"Sister Woodard, I wonder," there was a slight pause from the other end of the phone, "Have you ever thought about going home?" Thoughts raced through my mind as I stood with my back against the cupboards, facing the washing machine and dryer that sat by the back door of our little missionary apartment in Alexander City.

Had I thought about going home? Every day for the past several months. Several times a day. Every morning when I struggled to get up and out of bed. As I dreaded what the day might bring; thoughts of not being good enough, ideas that I would never be good enough for the work, that I would never be able to do what was expected of me.

Had I ever thought about going home? Only a thousand times since being transferred to Jasper in December and slipped into this vicious cycle of feeling unworthy and feeling guilty about feeling unworthy. Here I was in Alex City, in the month of March, and I still couldn't push through these feelings, and they were just getting worse.

I would never be able to admit all of this out loud, so I simply answered, "A little bit."

"Well, Sister Woodard," came Sister Hanks' sweet voice through my earpiece, "I wonder if that would be the best thing for you right now, to go home and get better."

Oh please, that's all I want. To feel better and be better. I want to be happy again.

Sister Hanks continued as I switched the phone from my left ear to my right ear. Her voice, as it always was, was calm and reassuring.

"Sister Woodard, you've been struggling with this for quite some time, and I want you to know that President Hanks and I are very proud of you. You have done a hard thing, and you have done it extremely well. You're doing a mission, which is hard enough already, buy you're doing it while wearing a backpack of rocks and steel boots and walking through mud. President and I couldn't be more proud."

And in that moment, I knew. I knew I didn't have to fight anymore. I knew I didn't have to keep walking uphill in the mud while wearing steel boots and a backpack full of rocks. I had truly done what I needed to do and the task was finished. Warmth and peace washed over me as I thought about going home nine months early from my mission in Alabama. I knew everything would be OK.

Serving a mission with depression and anxiety really was like Sister Hanks said: Like walking in mud wearing steel boots and a backpack full of rocks. At the beginning, it was even worse because I didn't realize that that was what I was doing. Slowly, the steel boots came on and heavy rocks were placed in my bag. It was a slow process, because at first I was able to shake the boots off and dump out the rocks. But then they kept coming back faster and it became tiring to get them off. I didn't know where this extra weight had come from, and I desperately wanted to give up. But I knew I couldn't. I knew I couldn't because of a life lesson I learned from my parents.

When I was about 11, I decided I wanted to play softball. When I discovered that being on a softball team wasn't for me, I wanted to quite. But my parents wouldn't let me. They told me that I had committed to the team and that I would need to finish out the season so I didn't let them down. That lesson has stayed with me my whole life, and I was determined to stay until the end of my mission and not let anybody down. That might have made things a little worse for me, because then I started to feel that, even though I was staying, I was letting people down, that I wasn't good enough to be a missionary. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that that was Satan tearing me down. Our Heavenly Father knows my worth and he would never tell me I'm not good enough for Him. Despite all of my flaws and shortcomings, I know that Father loves me as I am. With His help, I will become even greater.

Leaving my mission early was the hardest decision I have ever made, but I know it was what was best for me. Those nine months were hard, but so very very worth it. I learned things I never would have learned at home. I grew in ways I never even imagined. And I was able to touch people's lives in ways that I most likely don't even realize. I don't have to preach the gospel like other missionaries. I have a different song to sing, and a different way to sing it. There are different people to hear my song, and they aren't in Alabama. AND THAT IS OK.

I'm coming closer to being alright with this situation. My trust is in God the Almighty, and I know I will never be led astray.

Tornadoes and Chicken Liver

This week was a pretty good week for us. Busy as usual, but full of learning and growth. Last Monday we had a little bit of exciting weather that Sister Salmond and I enjoyed, although maybe we shouldn't have. The day started out cloudy but I didn't think much of it as we went out to Russellville to learn how to cook chicken and sausage gumbo. Then the rain came down hard and the Causey's weather radio went off with a tornado watch, meaning that the conditions are right for tornadoes to form. It moved from a watch to a warning, meaning a tornado had been spotted. We got a phone call from our Sister Training Leaders telling us we were on lock down and we couldn't go outside for safety reasons. We were happy we had picked last week to spend at a members' home because we had stuff to do while we were on lock down. And it was a super huge blessing because although the tornadoes were small, we were away from the excitement. The Lord protects His missionaries with simple ideas to get out of the tri-cities. There was only minor damage done to the area and nobody was seriously harmed, thank goodness.  

The pictures you received were from the Red Bay elders' baptism. We never personally taught Mary, but we love her anyways. We helped with the details at the baptism that the elders really couldn't. You should have been there in the bathroom with us when she came out of the font. Mary was so happy and couldn't stop giggling and telling us this was the best decision she has ever made. She is letting the gospel change her life and I can see the difference it has made with her. We are so proud of her and I know that Heavenly Father is proud of her. It reminded me a lot of Josie's baptism; there was the same Spirit and joy here as there was in Queen Creek. It's amazing the things the Lord shows me.

We had one of our awesome ward missionaries pick us up from a team up and take us to Mary's baptism. She had stopped at KFC and picked up some food and was so shocked that I had never had fried chicken liver. She made sure that I couldn't say that again and shared some of hers with me. Now I can say I've had some of the delicacies of the South: Fried Chicken Liver. It actually wasn't that bad, but I certainly won't be going out of my way to order it.

Sunday is a Special Day

So first off, wasn't General Conference the BEST! There's something about being on a mission that just makes it like ten times greater. If you weren't able to watch it, or missed a session, go back and watch/listen/read it. The Lord is trying to talk to us, we just have to listen. So much peace, comfort and guidance comes from participating in General Conference.

I love Sundays. Sundays were always my favorite days back home because I had three solid hours without outside distractions to feel of Heavenly Father's love for me. Then when we came home, I decided to choose to keep that feeling by listening to Church songs on Pandora or doing some Personal Progress goals. There's just a feeling on Sunday that's kinda hard to recreate on the other days. I love them.

Our baptism for this weekend is going to be pushed back, but they are still committed to the gospel. They are solid people and love the things they are learning. We did an FHE activity with their grandkids and a family from the ward and they loved it. Lynn wants to start planning her own FHE lessons. Amber is another of our investigators progressing towards baptism and is so sweet. She's a YSA so we've had her going to the YSA FHE activities on Sunday night. They're small, only three other people besides the six missionaries that are invited along to fill the room. She's got some challenges to overcome, but who doesn't in this life. I can already see the difference the gospel has made in her life and I'm excited to see how else she lets it change her. 

I can see the difference a mission has made in my life already. It really is preparing me to be a better wife and mother and I feel like I'm a better person already. My mission has brought closer to my Savior and I understand the Atonement so much more. I can testify to you that His suffering covers everything, not just our sins. He felt our bad days when we feel like we can't go any further, when we feel alone in our afflictions, when it feels like nobody wants to listen to what we have to say. I've been through all those things in high school. Those were the days I had to turn to the Savior. I didn't understand it then like I understand it now, though. I want to be "Steadfast in Christ" for the rest of my life. 

So much love,

Sister Woodard

Working Hard

There isn't a whole lot to say about this week. We've been working hard, going from appointment to appointment and trying to use our time as effectively as possible. We have been meeting with Amber, and that's pretty exciting. We met Amber at the park last Sunday and {shame on me} I didn't think she would be interested. I really shouldn't judge that quickly and let others decide for themselves if they want the gospel. The Lord has taught me this simple yet powerful lesson through Amber. She is truly amazing and is already aligning herself with the Lord. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be an instrument in the Lord's hands in bringing others closer to Him. 

President Hanks has challenged us to get 500 baptisms as a mission by the end of the year. Right now we are at 365! In Zone Training last week we set a goal as a zone to get 8 baptisms this month. Florence District {my district} has 7 baptismal dates set at the moment. If all goes according to plan, we will succeed our goal for our zone consisting of three districts with just are district. The Lord is working mighty miracles through us!!

We watched all four sessions of Conference at the church building with our investigators. I'm appreciating General Conference more and more each year, but it was so special this year. Saturday we had Lynn for both sessions and it was so great to feel the Spirit and to see her reaction. She absolutely loved it. Sunday morning we had Lynn and her husband Joe as well as Amber, who also stayed for the second session. We told all of them to come with a question in mind and promised that it would be answered. It was so sweet because we could tell when Amber received her answer. I can tell that she already notices the difference the gospel brings into our lives. I haven't seen any baptisms yet, but we have three coming up. Lynn and Joe are set for the 18th of October and Amber has decided on the 25th. We're so excited for the changes they want to make in their lives. 

Sister Woodard

Perspective and Team Ups

It's amazing how much my perspective has changed in these past {almost} four months. The thing that really stuck out to me was the competing priorities. Before the mission, all I wanted to do was watch Netflix and browse Pinterest. Now when I get home, I never want to touch a T.V. remote again. There really is so much I could be doing that would be so much better for me. I always said it before, but now I really mean it. I really have the desire to read my scriptures and serve others. I want to be involved with community and with life. I don't want to watch my life pass me by anymore, I want to be a part of it. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but it's whatever.

So, funny story...The aunt told her less active daughter, the cousin of the lady we were teaching, that she was going to call the Apostles and report us because her niece had told us to leave her alone and we weren't. Well the niece never told us that. It sounded like she wanted to join but her aunt was stopping her. Needless to say, we aren't welcome back. But that's okay. We have two baptism dates coming up and it looks like a few more will follow {from the same family}. Sandi was baptized 4 years ago and just recently moved to be close to her daughter and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She invited her daughter Lynn to church and wanted the missionaries to start teaching them. So far we've been teaching Lynn and her husband Joe and Sandi's husband/Lynn's father Coy. Lynn and Joe's kids have been around when we teach lessons but they haven't shown much interest in learning more. The daughter-in-law Ashley did come to the church building for Women's Conference, though. We had some technical difficulties but it seems like Lynn and Ashley enjoyed the evening anyways. Hopefully Ashley will have some questions for us soon. 

This ward is amazing at doing team-ups with the sisters as well as with the elders. The whole Relief Society is on the team up calendar and it is awesome to be able to take people to our investigators so they have familiar faces at church. It also really helps with working with less active members in our ward because it builds friendships among the members. The women are always so happy to go with us wherever we have planned that day. I can tell they see the blessings that come from missionary work. {In case it's too subtle, I'm saying get involved with missionary work! It's the best! Hahaha.} Performing service really is the best way show you love others and it's the best way to grow closer to someone. I love our investigators and everyone in the ward and my companion so much because I'm serving all the time. I guess as a missionary you can't not serve. It's the best. 

Russellville is such a cute little town. I'm actually living in what they call the "Tri-cities" because it is basically three cities on top of each other. I never know when one city ends and the other begins! It reminds me a lot of Queen Creek. I love driving to the church in Russellville because it's a half hour drive with trees on all sides and a stretch of it has open fields on both sides of the highway. It's so pretty! I didn't realize how much I missed the farm fields until I saw them again. 

Time is going way too fast for me. It was just June, and now it's October. I'm hitting four months on October 11th. Crazy!! 

Sister Salmond is amazing!! We are basically the same exact person. We love pink and princesses. We have the same personality. She bursts out in song and I dance around all the time. I am so grateful to be with her this transfer. She works really hard and is such a great example to me. I'm learning so much already. Because of her pushing us to be better, we were able to reach all of our goals this week! Yay Sister Salmond!!!

We have two baptism dates coming up and it looks like a few more will follow {from the same family}. Sandi was baptized 4 years ago and just recently moved to be close to her daughter and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She invited her daughter Lynn to church and wanted the missionaries to start teaching them. So far we've been teaching Lynn and her husband Joe and Sandi's husband/Lynn's father Coy. Lynn and Joe's kids have been around when we teach lessons but they haven't shown much interest in learning more. The daughter-in-law Ashley did come to the church building for Women's Conference, though. We had some technical difficulties but it seems like Lynn and Ashley enjoyed the evening anyways. Hopefully Ashley will have some questions for us soon. 

This ward is amazing at doing team-ups with the sisters as well as with the elders. The whole Relief Society is on the team up calendar and it is awesome to be able to take people to our investigators so they have familiar faces at church. It also really helps with working with less active members in our ward because it builds friendships among the members. The women are always so happy to go with us wherever we have planned that day. I can tell they see the blessings that come from missionary work. {In case it's too subtle, I'm saying get involved with missionary work! It's the best! Hahaha.} Performing service really is the best way show you love others and it's the best way to grow closer to someone. I love our investigators and everyone in the ward and my companion so much because I'm serving all the time. I guess as a missionary you can't not serve. It's the best. 

Life is just awesome right now. If you can be a missionary, do it. It will change your life for the better!

I hope all is well!

Sister Woodard

Hello from Russelville!

Good morning from sweet little Russelville area. I love this place already. It's actually several small towns close together that we get to work in. We were driving around yesterday and I totally had some flash back moments to Queen Creek. It's perfect out here!

What a crazy week we've had! Wednesday was spent at transfer meeting then driving two hours to get to my new home and unpacking. Thursday is always Weekly Planning and Sister Salmond was so sweet in explaining things in detail to me. I think I will do alright in this area with Sister Salmond helping me out. After weekly planning, one of the ward members named Becky picked us up and we helped her do her visiting teaching since she didn't have a companion. We got to visit a less active sister and meet some members. Becky is so sweet and so dedicated to her calling as a ward missionary. With her help I was able to meet several members of the ward before Sunday even rolled around. And this ward is so awesome. We have team-ups with the Relief Society sisters lined up for almost everyday of the week. We went out with Sister Perkins on Friday to visit investigators and less active members. Sister Perkins is so awesome. Her little family lives right around the corner from us and they are so cute. Already her and her husband have done so much to help us out, with the team up and being willing to pick up investigators and recent converts. This family is awesome. Saturday we went to the State Fair and just contacted like crazy so we could reach our goal of 70 unplanned contacts. We didn't go on any of the rides, but I still had so much fun. Sister Salmond is a rock star and so dedicated to this work. I can already tell I'm going to learn a lot from her example. 

I just jumped into the ward head first because they asked me to say the opening prayer in sacrament meeting and I agreed. It's crazy the courage a mission gives ya. We were going to meet with a referral that has a connection to an investigator we are teaching. The referral is the aunt that is keeping her niece from getting baptized even though she is a grown woman and she has that desire. One of our ward members had told us we should go visit this lady and yesterday during lunch Sister Salmond made the connection that our investigator is related to this lady. She wanted to go see her and see if we could fix the problem and she told me she wasn't sure what was going to happen but I really didn't worry about what this lady might do {yell at us, slam the door in our face, call us mean things, etc.} and I was game to meeting with her. But, she wasn't home for her to do any of those things to us. We're still going to try to get in contact with her and see if we can answer some of her questions and straighten out some misconceptions. 

One of my friends from college is in the next town over, right outside of my area. She found out that I was in Russellville and came up to visit our ward. It was so fun to see a familiar face. Speaking of familiar faces, I am serving with two elders that were in the MTC with me. We had several of our MTC group at the transfer meeting and it was so fun to see these missionaries again. 

I love you all and hope this week is amazing for ya!!

It's That Time Again: Transfers

To start off this post, I'll let ya'll know the news about transfers that are this week. We all thought that Sister Thorup would transfer and Sister Haslam and I would stay. We were so wrong. They are taking ALL THREE of us out. They are white washing our area for sisters. Crazy! So I've been scrambling trying to figure out how to move for transfers. This will be my first one where I'm actually moving so I'm trying to understand how it all works. I'm sad to be leaving but excited to go. I'm just getting names and faces of the ward members and starting to connect with them. We actually went to a dinner party last night with several members from the ward. Sister Haslam's cousin is in our ward and she invited us over for a pot luck that they were having. The topic of me loving dance came up and how I love to do it all. And guess what?? One of the ladies used to clog and she was hanging onto her clogging shoes. She brought out her clogging shoes to show me. We tried to get her to do a little number for us, but she wouldn't. I tried on her shoes just to see how they fit and everyone wanted to see some moves, so how could I say no? That's right, I clogged at a members house. They flipped their coffee table upside down so I could dance on that. It was super fun. I'm sad to be leaving such a great ward. Hopefully I'll be able to connect quickly with my next area. I feel like I'm finally getting the swing of missionary life and all the things that go with it. I'm nervous to leave Wayne and Tiffany and Adriese and all of our other investigators, but I just keep reminding myself that the Lord is mindful of His children and He will take care of them through the next missionaries.

I love what my Dad wrote me today and I thought I would share it with you. "One of my favorite perspectives came from tracting. As we would keep a record of those people whose doors we knocked on, if they were not interested we would put "NR" for "not ready." I loved the optimism. Its not that they didn't need to hear our message or that they didn't want to hear our message. They simply were "not ready" to hear the message. Some day they will be ready to hear and accept the Gospel. That day just wasn't their day. Go find someone whose day it is." My Dad is awesome. I have heard somewhere that it takes about 17 positive encounters with the Church before someone is ready to hear the discussions. So I try to not be discouraged when someone turns me down. I just hope I left them with a positive experience that they will remember later on in life and will finally want to know more. 

I'm so happy for the opportunity I had to serve in Vestavia Hills and so grateful for all the things I was able to learn. I'm excited and ready for whatever comes next!