Tender Mercy

The other day I received an email from my mother with a really sweet story that I've been meaning to share with y'all. Enjoy!

I saw this on face book and really liked it. I wanted to share it with you. I don't know who wrote it. Love mom.

I just had a tender mercy moment tonight. I went out to feed my dogs and my horse (in the dark), and the neighbor's calf was out in the field on the wrong side of the fence. He was crying for his mama. (Calves bawling is a pretty sad sound!!) He wanted to be with her SO badly, and he was wandering around frantically pacing the fence line trying to figure out how to get to her... but he just couldn't figure out how. So I opened the nearest gate that went into a pen next to his mama. I had to move the cute lil guy down the fence-AWAY FROM HIS MAMA- to eventually get him into the same pen as her for a sweet reunion. I learned from this experience that sometimes God watches us frantically "pacing the fence line" of something we want the most. He sees us lost in the cold and the dark. He wants us to get to the place we want to be more than anything because He loves to see us happy. And so He opens gates for us, then leads or pushes us to them and even leads or pushes us through them. Is it painful to walk away from the things we want the most? Absolutely. But if we just put our trust in Him and let Him lead us, we will find we end up where we wanted to be-or even somewhere better than we ever imagined. God is SO good.  I testify of that!

Because of Sister Wittwer

January 21, 2015

The biggest miracle of all happened today. Heavenly Father gave me Sister Wittwer to be my companion before she goes home. I love Sister Wittwer soooo much and I am excited to see what lays in store for us these next 6 weeks. She is going to be exactly what I need. 

That was a year ago today.
I couldn't have been more right when I wrote that entry. Those six weeks were so hard for me, trying to figure out what was going on in my head and trying to push past it all. I am so very grateful to have had Sister Wittwer by my side, pulling me along, letting me rest when I really couldn't do it anymore. She drove me all the way down to Birmingham to meet with the mission counselor and talk with Sister Hanks. Sister Wittwer let me cry and pour my heart out to her. I was able to voice, to some extent, how I was feeling because I knew she loved me and cared about how I was feeling. She always had her arrows out, and she was able to take care of me and all the people we came in contact with in Jasper, Alabama.

She taught me so much by her example and we had a lot of fun amidst the trial that I was facing. It's because of her that I stayed out for as long as I did. Because of her, I learned how to have deep meaningful talks with God when I prayed. I learned how to hear and follow the Spirit more closely. We pushed ourselves so hard that transfer and we really did see a lot of miracles. That will always be my favorite transfer, because of Sister Wittwer.

Homework Thoughts

These are just some thoughts I had tonight while doing homework. They're things I could never say or admit out loud. I don't know what to do anymore! I feel so pathetic since I'm having these thoughts. I really want to be fine, but I just can't make myself. I'm getting through one day at a time, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything at all. 

I sit down to do my homework, and find myself frustrated. I have no real desire to be here at college, other than for the social interaction, which even then I struggle to enjoy being a part of. It just makes me feel like a failure, because in the culture of the LDS faith, education plays a vital role. We are constantly told to further our education and prepare ourselves for our future families. Yet every time I sit down to do just that, I find that I can't. And it frustrates me even more, feeling like I am incapable of bettering myself. I'm holding myself back, I realize this, but I don't know how to allow myself to be free.

Education is important, I know this, but I don't want to take part in formal education. I don't like being measured, because then I hold myself to higher expectations that I can't possibly fulfill. And I try to tell myself to lower my expectations to more attainable ones, but I can't.

I want to go home, but that desire just reminds me of my mission and the desire to leave such a great cause because I felt incapable. It hurts, it hurts so bad, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get rid of it.

Descartes' said "I think: therefore I am." "I think I am anxious, therefore I am anxious." "I think I am depressed therefore I am depressed."

Why do I get so emotional over homework? It's just homework, not plans to save the entire world. This philosophy and technique of teaching class is hard on me, because all the articles we are reading talk about the importance of gaining knowledge and wisdom and I can't find the desire to do that. I want to so badly, I want to want to be in college, because this is the phase of life I am in right now. But I feel as though I am failing, and it's such a stupid  thought to have, because through it I can faintly see/hear my true potential, but I can't reach it.

Thoughts I Have When Studying for my Eternal Family Class

I am enrolled in an Eternal Family course and love all the insights I have already gained after only a few weeks of school.
Here are some of today's thoughts.

"...by our choices we would demonstrate to God (and to ourselves) our commitment and capacity to live His celestial law while outside His presence and in a physical body with all its powers, appetites, and passions." {Why Marriage, Why Family. Elder D. Todd Christofferson, GC April 2015}

This is my greatest desire, to show God that I am committed to His cause. As a mere mortal, that's a pretty big thing to claim, and that might be the root of my anxiety, which in turn leads to depression. I want so badly to prove to my god and king that I am worthy enough to enter His kingdom. And the fact is, on my own, I simply am not. I cannot do it on my own. Which is why I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, which teaches me how to live, and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which helps me to more fully become the person I am destined to be.

I had this little thought as I was on my way to class this afternoon, stressing about living with anxiety and depression and attempting to do school the way everyone else does.

"The world would have you have a career. I would have you be a mother."

It was such a small thought, but it brought me so much comfort. All my life, all I've ever wanted to be was a mother. I was given baby dolls as Christmas presents and I would take them everywhere with me. Since I was 12, I've been making lists of what I hope my future husband will be like, and then when I got older I learned to work on those things myself.

I have a strong testimony of the family. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my mom, or my dad, or each of my three brothers. I know I can always count on my family to cheer me up, to listen, to be there for me. So I know that families are important. I want to raise a family in righteousness.

Struggles

Everyday is a struggle.

The struggle to get up in the morning, to get dressed and ready for the challenges of the new day. It's a struggle to find the motivation to accomplish the things on your to do list. The struggle of overcoming the feeling that you didn't accomplish anything, when in reality you accomplished so much more.

God our Heavenly Father is aware of your struggles. He knows what you are going through and He knows that your struggles are big for you, even if they appear small to everyone else. As I sit here and type this, the Holy Ghost testifies to me that He is proud of you. He is proud that, for today, you overcame your struggles. He is proud, that for today, you got up and got dressed in some form or another and you tackled your day the best way that you knew how. And if the best way that you knew how to was to simply move from one room to the next, or to write that paper that you were dreading, or to forgive that person for that one thing that happened ages ago, then He is so proud of you. He is proud that, for today, you didn't completely give up. We are all proud of you. Because, as the saying goes, "the struggle is real." But you don't have to do it alone. That was never a part of the Plan. You have a loving Heavenly Father who sent His perfect Son down to an imperfect world full of sin to make sure that you knew that you were never alone. My favorite scripture in Alma tells what the Savior did for you.  

 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

So every time that you feel like you can't possibly struggle and fight anymore, please remember that you don't have to do it alone. As the Father sent an angel to His Son in the Garden of Gethsemane during his greatest time of need, so will the Father send you an angel whenever you need one. So be on the lookout for your angel, because I guarantee that they won't be in angel form, but they will help you. 

{This blog post is dedicated to those who fight struggles everyday, big or small. You are enough, and you are going to win your battle!}