Today is a really hard day. I've been trying to act like everything is okay, that I'm just a normal college student doing normal college student stuff. I started the semester out just fine. I got up on time for classes, did the homework, hung out and laughed with my roommates.
I guess the biggest thing is that I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I'm not able to do the things I once used to with the same mindset. Getting up and going to class before my mission was just fine. Sure I had stress, because what college student doesn't? Stress comes with the territory of going to school. But what I'm feeling goes much deeper than just worrying about a test grade. I find myself worrying about going to class because I'm not good enough, because I'm not doing enough. But I've pushed my body as far as it can go. And I feel like it's stupid because it's only the second week of classes. I used to be able to do classes and socialize, and now I can't. I'm so frustrated with myself for not doing better, or at least as well as I've done in the past.
I have a sincere desire to do my best, to do what is expected of me. When you couple that with feelings of doubt that you really aren't doing your best, or that your best isn't good enough, it's not a pretty combination. I shut down, become unresponsive. I do things to shut out the world, like watch Netflix or browse Pinterest for hours on end. I'm struggling to break these habits, but in them I find safety and security. I know I should turn elsewhere, or at least I feel like I should turn elsewhere, and that starts another round of beating myself up over silly little things.
College might not be for me. I can't handle the stress, or I have yet to figure out how to handle the stress.
