Well, here we go again. It's the start of a new relationship with a great guy, and I'm terrified how I'm going to be. I'm looking for a guy who understands what I'm going through, but the cold hard truth is that not a whole lot of people who don't have depression and anxiety really understand what it's like to live with either, let alone both.
Our conversation tonight made me feel stupid. He talked about his goals and where he wants to be, and when I talked about mine, I felt like he didn't think that was good enough. And maybe I'm just psyching myself out, putting thoughts in my head that don't belong there. I hope that as we continue this relationship and learn more about each other that we can fall in love. But I'm so scared of just wanting a relationship that I try and force this one. I want to give him that benefit of the doubt, that he will learn how to be around me when I'm suffering from depression. As he was leaving tonight, he told me "Don't be depressed." I want to think that he was doing what he could to offer me comfort. I'm concerned that this might be a one sided relationship, where he's doing all the taking and I'm doing all the giving. Relationships need to be a give and take from both sides. What if I'm not doing enough giving? What if I'm not doing enough for him? Will this vicious cycle of anxiety and depression never end????
