Apologies From Anxiety and Depression

We're sorry.

We're sorry for taking over your loved one. For making her feel like everything was going wrong in her life, even though it's not. For pointing out all that could go wrong and distracting her from all that was going right. For consuming her to the point where she didn't want to be in your company anymore. For making her feel like it was her fault that she couldn't control us.

We're sorry.

We're sorry for taking over your life. For taking those great moments and focusing only on what went wrong in them. For making a big deal out of little ones, and convincing you that things had to be a certain way when it really didn't matter. For telling you that you weren't good enough to be a missionary because you had to deal with us.

We're sorry.

We really truly are. We're sorry for taking your life of joy and making it miserable by being there every second of the day. For tainting the memories of joyous occasions with our pungent smells that compliment in the most vile of ways . We're sorry that you get us under control and begin to feel normal once more and we drop in for a surprise visit.

We're sorry.

We're sorry for the pain we've caused in your relationships. For the space we put between you and your boyfriend because you wanted to cope with us on your own. For making you feel like you had no one to turn to and that we would be your only company until you found a way on your own to make us leave and be gone for good. We're sorry that you didn't realize earlier that we're not something you can handle on your own.

But look how far you've come. Look at the things you've faced and the challenges you've overcome. We're so proud of you, for all that you did while we were by your side. We can see that it's still a challenge for you to admit that we are with you, but you've gotten so much better at it. And really, our visits seem to be getting fewer and farther between. As big as we seem to be, and as much as we appear to block your path, it's only because we're right in front of you. If you were to push us back, you would come to realize that we're no bigger than the height of your knees. You keep pushing, you keep trying. It's been done before by so many others and you can do it too. We're never going to fully leave you; we like you too much for that. But soon you'll be able to get your space back and you can build those relationships that you want. Trust us. It's all going to work out in the end.

That Empty Space

I miss him, but I fear that I miss the space he took up. I'm worried that I don't like the hole he left and that because I know he would easily fill it again, I miss him. What do I know of love?

I am terrified of love. I am terrified of loving someone so deeply and purely, of taking their happiness forever into my own hands. I'm scared of not being enough for him, of not doing enough for him. I'm selfish and I'm worried I won't get over that to be able to give him what he needs. At this point in my life, I'm not ready to be done being selfish. This is my time, and I want to have it for as long as I possibly can. Don't get me wrong, I dream of the day when I get to be a wife and care for my husband and nurture our children. But when that opportunity started to get close, I ran for the hills. Now I'm looking back and wondering what I missed out on. And how do I get it back? I don't know if he wanted to break up with me because it's what I wanted, or if it's because he didn't want to be with me anymore.

Then all these questions start whirling around, and I can't focus enough to grasp even one to think about. Have I done something awful by pushing him away? Was he the one I could have been the happiest with? Will I be able to find someone as good as he was? Is he even missing me right now? Does he think about me as often as I catch myself thinking about him?

I am having this conversation with a friend right now about our different relationships, specifically that of mission companions who don't get along at first yet wind up being the best of friends. I quote him here: "It could also be that we go through the thick and thin with them, for lack of a better term. It seems to me that a longer lasting relationship could develop when there is a lot of different trials to experience as opposed to those who don't have as many trials."
My response: "I like the way you phrased that. Just as our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ strengthen because of our trials [us being brought closer to them] our earthly relationships can be strengthened because of them [our trials]."

Maybe this is a trial that will strengthen our relationship. I'm scared to hold onto the smallest bit of hope that it is, that our relationship will work out. I don't want to be afraid to love him, yet I am. I know I need to pray about all of this, yet I'm fearful of the answer. I want the college life back. I want to go on lots of dates and hang out with lots of different guys. Yet I don't want to be with any of those guys, and I don't want them to get the wrong impression. I just want to go out and have fun with my friends and not have to worry about someone else. How selfish am I, wanting just to worry about me, when my big heart wants to worry about everyone else at the same time.

If you've managed to get through this conflicted blog post, congratulations. I am very impressed. If you have any insights/comments please feel free to leave them below. I would love to hear whatever you have to offer!