365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. 1 year.

365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. 1 year.

Last Monday marked one year since I've come home early from my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Boy has it been a crazy year. I have lived in two different states. I have lived with my parents, paid for two different apartments, had roommates from around the country. I've had two jobs and learned money management skills. I started college again and struggled focusing on my classes. I've made new friends and lost touch with old ones. I've tried to push people away as I've attempted to come to terms with my mental illness. I've tried to convince myself that I was strong enough to overcome my trial on my own and been devastated when I realized that I couldn't. 

I was blessed to have amazing people come into my life at exactly the moments I needed them. It's a little bit overwhelming with how many people who have come into my life and changed it. I may not be able to remember every last name, but I will be forever grateful for how they've made me better.

There have been moments of regret for my decision, moments where I've felt like a quitter, where I've felt like I wasn't worthy since I came home. There have been days in this last year where I didn't think I would ever amount to anything, where I felt like my self worth hung on that choice to come home early. I've had days where my self worth hangs on simple daily decisions and if I feel like I've messed up in the smallest way then that makes me a horrible, stupid person.

In this last year since leaving Alabama, I've had moments and days where I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want people to know that I was hurting inside, because I didn't know why I was hurting. There's no explanation for the way I feel, no way to adequately describe it to someone who doesn't already know the feeling.



Through it all, the ups and the downs, I've had my Savior Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven by my side.

Words from my Mother

I received this beautiful email from my wonderful mother and felt impressed to share it on my blog. Perhaps her inspiring words will bring peace to your heart and mind as it did to mine.  

Emily,

Here is a link from Elder Hollands response to someone's question from the face to face Tuesday night.  One person wrote in about coming home early from his mission because of mental health issues.

http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-holland-felt-the-need-to-answer-this-question-about-mental-health-early/#.VuGUFVDh1ao.mailto 

I wanted to send this link privately to you. I thought it was great and could help you. I wanted you t o know that you are not alone in this.  So many of our young adults are suffering with mental illness. I believe it is the plague of our time.  You need not feel like a failure. It is the challenge that many of us have to overcome in our dispensation. I have felt that my brain is my earthly challenge. I have often thought of all the amazing things I could have accomplished as a mother and person if I had a fully functioning brain!  I would have been AWESOME!  But we all have earthly limits. 

I have been thinking of you and discouragement.  Life is hard. Sometimes we dwell on the things we failed to do. That would discourage anybody. It seems like it is easier to see our shortcomings rather than our accomplishments. That would make anyone feel like a failure. But, if we think about all the good we did, then we could see the success in our lives. You have accomplished so much good.  You have had a lot of success in your life. Serving in Alabama was one of them. You touched and changed many lives there. Some you see and some you don't even know about. 

You are being successful now. You have a job and are supporting yourself away from home. Something I never really did.  My dad paid my way through the first few years of school and my housing. You are doing this on your own!  You are amazingly strong and independent!  That is huge success! 

You are caring, kind, and thoughtful. You are sharing the spirit of Christ where ever you go.  That is huge.

It is hard to see the good we do because it is easier to focus on what we failed to do. We focus on what we lack.  It is this focus that makes us feel like failures. Like we didn't do anything good because we ran short.  What if we focused on our successes?  If we focus on all the good we have done and see how far we have come in our lives then we will feel successful.

I was thinking what if you wrote down all your accomplishments?  Get a pretty piece of paper, or design one on your computer with colored clip art. Put on pictures of you or stuff from online. Then type or write down all the good you did, starting in high school. Write down all the shows you did.  You got to choreograph your school's musical your senior year.  Not many high schoolers can say that.  You had your own dance company as a teenager.  Not many teenagers can say that.  You received your young womanhood medallion.  That took work and courage.  You desired to serve our Heavenly Father by going on a mission.  You had a willing heart and you went.  You touched many lives while you were there.  What is that saying, "The mind is willing but the flesh is weak." ?  I think it would help you on those days you were filling discouraged and felt like a failure if you had something that you could look at, read and remind you of all your successes.  We all need reminders of how wonderful we are.  And you are AMAZINGLY FABULOUS!  I am very proud of you and how hard you work.  You are living the dream!

Stay close to your Heavenly Father.  Pray, Read your scriptures, and Listen.  He will guide your life in the direction that you need to go.  You are doing great things, and many more great things await you!

Love,
Mom

What Is Success?

What is success?
So many people have so many different ideas about what success is and what it isn't. If you were to ask a business man, he would say that success is closing on that big deal for his firm. Ask a painter and they'll tell you it's getting the colors just right on their painting. Based on these examples, you can tell that one man's opinion doesn't work for someone else.

So how do you define success?

My operational definition for success includes following your dreams and doing what makes you happy. There are already so many things out there that can make one miserable, so why add to that by making yourself do something you really don't want to do? Hard work must be included because hard work is how you get places. Success is when you change and become better. If you are a better person than you were the day before, then you are successful in what you are doing.

Don't let someone else's definition of success define you. Go out there, work hard, live your dreams and be happy with what you are doing.

Wrong Roads

There's a Mormon Message about Elder Holland when he took his son Matt out on a little day adventure. When it came time to journey home, they came to a fork in the road that was unfamiliar to them. Not knowing which side to take, Elder Holland and Matt prayed and both felt as though they should take the road to the right. After going only a few hundred yards, the road came to a dead end. They knew when they got to the end that that was the wrong road for them. When they turned around and got on the correct road to go home, Matt asked his father why they both felt prompted to take the road to the right when obviously it wasn't the one that would take them where they wanted to go. Elder Holland's reply was that the easiest way for them to know exactly which road was the right road, the Lord let them go down the wrong road just a little ways. This was to help them know with conviction that that road was the wrong one for them to take. It also let them know with equal conviction that the second road was the correct one.

How often do we see this in our lives and get frustrated at it. We feel as though we are following what the Lord is telling us to do, yet we do not get the desired results or we do not end up where we feel we ought to be. We do our best to align our will with His, and when we feel good about an answer we receive, we go forth with it. Yet we don't realize that the way he is leading us is to help us be certain of our path, so that we know we are exactly where we need to be.

I'm at that crossroad in my life right now. Rather, I have decided on a path that I felt was right for me, yet now I feel like it is not the right one for me. So now I am turning around and getting on the other path. When I get to that path, it may be that that is not the correct one for me either, or at least not the correct timing. Whatever it may be, I know that the Lord is guiding my path and as I trust in Him, I will become the woman He would have me be.

Here's the link to the Mormon Message if you would like to watch it.
https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/wrong-roads

To the New Boy

To the New Boy Dating the Girl with Anxiety and Depression,

THANK YOU. Thank you for accepting me as I am, for not making me feel as though I need to change to be better for you. It's been awhile since I've been this happy, and it's all thanks to you. The time that I've spent with you has been such an eye opener for me. You see all the good in the world around you, which I'm so grateful includes me. I'm learning to focus on my good qualities, and you are helping me learn that lesson. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me, simply by being you.

You say that you are lucky, and I would have to agree. When we met and became friends, I was broken, a hollow shell of what I used to be. It's been several months since we first met, and I've had time to take care of myself and to learn to love myself. You are lucky that we started dating when we did, because I was closer to being whole than I was back then. I still don't feel completely whole yet, but since I started dating you, I have taken huge steps in that direction. So really, I am the lucky one. I feel like I'm getting the better end of the deal. I hope you don't mind!

Thank you for all that you do for me. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for changing my world.

Trials Are For a Reason

This evening I received a text from a new friend, asking if he could call me and ask for advice because he received a prompting that he should do so. When he called, the first thing he asked was if I ever felt as though I were useless and worthless, because that was how he was feeling. It broke my heart to hear him say that. My response was a resounding yes, that I have had those feelings of despair and unworthiness. His next question almost surprised me, for I did not notice that I did this, but he asked how I was able to be so happy even though I had those feelings. I was able to spend a few minutes bearing my testimony on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it was through Him that I am able to have happiness. It was a simple conversation in my eyes, but my friend thanked me deeply for helping him out.

So I have a strong testimony that our trials are not only to help us grow but are to help us help others. We are to share our experiences with others to let them know that they are not alone. Even though this has been the hardest thing for me to face and overcome {I'm still working on the overcoming part!} I am so grateful that the Lord placed this in my life. It really is a blessing because it helps me to understand other people and how to help them. The Lord answers people's prayers through us.

What Would Happen...

Imagine your friend is going through a really rough time in their life. What would you say to comfort them? Really, take a few minutes and go over in your head what you would say to let your friend know that they are loved and that you will help them through whatever it is they're facing.





My roommate Canada just shared with me what her stress management group talked about. The leader of the group asked everyone what they would say to their friend going through a tough time, and then he said that what they said was what they individually needed/wanted to hear.

Canada talked about how we don't talk to ourselves the way we talk to others when they are stressing out and going through a hard time. We offer advice and love and comfort to them, but all too often we view ourselves as unworthy to receive those things. What would happen if we started to view ourselves as our friends and family see us? Or how Heavenly Father does? How would that change the way we think about how we do things? Would we be more confident in them?

This is the biggest thing that I struggle with, seeing myself through my Father's eyes. I suppose that's why it's so easy for me to rush to comfort and encourage somebody else, because I know that feeling of worthlessness that I pull upon myself.

The past few days have been much better for me. I started seeing a counselor who happens to be LDS as well and who has helped to put things into perspective for me. I've been able to decide between happiness and sadness a little bit better, and I love being happy.