Words from my Mother

I received this beautiful email from my wonderful mother and felt impressed to share it on my blog. Perhaps her inspiring words will bring peace to your heart and mind as it did to mine.  

Emily,

Here is a link from Elder Hollands response to someone's question from the face to face Tuesday night.  One person wrote in about coming home early from his mission because of mental health issues.

http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-holland-felt-the-need-to-answer-this-question-about-mental-health-early/#.VuGUFVDh1ao.mailto 

I wanted to send this link privately to you. I thought it was great and could help you. I wanted you t o know that you are not alone in this.  So many of our young adults are suffering with mental illness. I believe it is the plague of our time.  You need not feel like a failure. It is the challenge that many of us have to overcome in our dispensation. I have felt that my brain is my earthly challenge. I have often thought of all the amazing things I could have accomplished as a mother and person if I had a fully functioning brain!  I would have been AWESOME!  But we all have earthly limits. 

I have been thinking of you and discouragement.  Life is hard. Sometimes we dwell on the things we failed to do. That would discourage anybody. It seems like it is easier to see our shortcomings rather than our accomplishments. That would make anyone feel like a failure. But, if we think about all the good we did, then we could see the success in our lives. You have accomplished so much good.  You have had a lot of success in your life. Serving in Alabama was one of them. You touched and changed many lives there. Some you see and some you don't even know about. 

You are being successful now. You have a job and are supporting yourself away from home. Something I never really did.  My dad paid my way through the first few years of school and my housing. You are doing this on your own!  You are amazingly strong and independent!  That is huge success! 

You are caring, kind, and thoughtful. You are sharing the spirit of Christ where ever you go.  That is huge.

It is hard to see the good we do because it is easier to focus on what we failed to do. We focus on what we lack.  It is this focus that makes us feel like failures. Like we didn't do anything good because we ran short.  What if we focused on our successes?  If we focus on all the good we have done and see how far we have come in our lives then we will feel successful.

I was thinking what if you wrote down all your accomplishments?  Get a pretty piece of paper, or design one on your computer with colored clip art. Put on pictures of you or stuff from online. Then type or write down all the good you did, starting in high school. Write down all the shows you did.  You got to choreograph your school's musical your senior year.  Not many high schoolers can say that.  You had your own dance company as a teenager.  Not many teenagers can say that.  You received your young womanhood medallion.  That took work and courage.  You desired to serve our Heavenly Father by going on a mission.  You had a willing heart and you went.  You touched many lives while you were there.  What is that saying, "The mind is willing but the flesh is weak." ?  I think it would help you on those days you were filling discouraged and felt like a failure if you had something that you could look at, read and remind you of all your successes.  We all need reminders of how wonderful we are.  And you are AMAZINGLY FABULOUS!  I am very proud of you and how hard you work.  You are living the dream!

Stay close to your Heavenly Father.  Pray, Read your scriptures, and Listen.  He will guide your life in the direction that you need to go.  You are doing great things, and many more great things await you!

Love,
Mom

What Is Success?

What is success?
So many people have so many different ideas about what success is and what it isn't. If you were to ask a business man, he would say that success is closing on that big deal for his firm. Ask a painter and they'll tell you it's getting the colors just right on their painting. Based on these examples, you can tell that one man's opinion doesn't work for someone else.

So how do you define success?

My operational definition for success includes following your dreams and doing what makes you happy. There are already so many things out there that can make one miserable, so why add to that by making yourself do something you really don't want to do? Hard work must be included because hard work is how you get places. Success is when you change and become better. If you are a better person than you were the day before, then you are successful in what you are doing.

Don't let someone else's definition of success define you. Go out there, work hard, live your dreams and be happy with what you are doing.

Wrong Roads

There's a Mormon Message about Elder Holland when he took his son Matt out on a little day adventure. When it came time to journey home, they came to a fork in the road that was unfamiliar to them. Not knowing which side to take, Elder Holland and Matt prayed and both felt as though they should take the road to the right. After going only a few hundred yards, the road came to a dead end. They knew when they got to the end that that was the wrong road for them. When they turned around and got on the correct road to go home, Matt asked his father why they both felt prompted to take the road to the right when obviously it wasn't the one that would take them where they wanted to go. Elder Holland's reply was that the easiest way for them to know exactly which road was the right road, the Lord let them go down the wrong road just a little ways. This was to help them know with conviction that that road was the wrong one for them to take. It also let them know with equal conviction that the second road was the correct one.

How often do we see this in our lives and get frustrated at it. We feel as though we are following what the Lord is telling us to do, yet we do not get the desired results or we do not end up where we feel we ought to be. We do our best to align our will with His, and when we feel good about an answer we receive, we go forth with it. Yet we don't realize that the way he is leading us is to help us be certain of our path, so that we know we are exactly where we need to be.

I'm at that crossroad in my life right now. Rather, I have decided on a path that I felt was right for me, yet now I feel like it is not the right one for me. So now I am turning around and getting on the other path. When I get to that path, it may be that that is not the correct one for me either, or at least not the correct timing. Whatever it may be, I know that the Lord is guiding my path and as I trust in Him, I will become the woman He would have me be.

Here's the link to the Mormon Message if you would like to watch it.
https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/wrong-roads

To the New Boy

To the New Boy Dating the Girl with Anxiety and Depression,

THANK YOU. Thank you for accepting me as I am, for not making me feel as though I need to change to be better for you. It's been awhile since I've been this happy, and it's all thanks to you. The time that I've spent with you has been such an eye opener for me. You see all the good in the world around you, which I'm so grateful includes me. I'm learning to focus on my good qualities, and you are helping me learn that lesson. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me, simply by being you.

You say that you are lucky, and I would have to agree. When we met and became friends, I was broken, a hollow shell of what I used to be. It's been several months since we first met, and I've had time to take care of myself and to learn to love myself. You are lucky that we started dating when we did, because I was closer to being whole than I was back then. I still don't feel completely whole yet, but since I started dating you, I have taken huge steps in that direction. So really, I am the lucky one. I feel like I'm getting the better end of the deal. I hope you don't mind!

Thank you for all that you do for me. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for changing my world.

Trials Are For a Reason

This evening I received a text from a new friend, asking if he could call me and ask for advice because he received a prompting that he should do so. When he called, the first thing he asked was if I ever felt as though I were useless and worthless, because that was how he was feeling. It broke my heart to hear him say that. My response was a resounding yes, that I have had those feelings of despair and unworthiness. His next question almost surprised me, for I did not notice that I did this, but he asked how I was able to be so happy even though I had those feelings. I was able to spend a few minutes bearing my testimony on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it was through Him that I am able to have happiness. It was a simple conversation in my eyes, but my friend thanked me deeply for helping him out.

So I have a strong testimony that our trials are not only to help us grow but are to help us help others. We are to share our experiences with others to let them know that they are not alone. Even though this has been the hardest thing for me to face and overcome {I'm still working on the overcoming part!} I am so grateful that the Lord placed this in my life. It really is a blessing because it helps me to understand other people and how to help them. The Lord answers people's prayers through us.

What Would Happen...

Imagine your friend is going through a really rough time in their life. What would you say to comfort them? Really, take a few minutes and go over in your head what you would say to let your friend know that they are loved and that you will help them through whatever it is they're facing.





My roommate Canada just shared with me what her stress management group talked about. The leader of the group asked everyone what they would say to their friend going through a tough time, and then he said that what they said was what they individually needed/wanted to hear.

Canada talked about how we don't talk to ourselves the way we talk to others when they are stressing out and going through a hard time. We offer advice and love and comfort to them, but all too often we view ourselves as unworthy to receive those things. What would happen if we started to view ourselves as our friends and family see us? Or how Heavenly Father does? How would that change the way we think about how we do things? Would we be more confident in them?

This is the biggest thing that I struggle with, seeing myself through my Father's eyes. I suppose that's why it's so easy for me to rush to comfort and encourage somebody else, because I know that feeling of worthlessness that I pull upon myself.

The past few days have been much better for me. I started seeing a counselor who happens to be LDS as well and who has helped to put things into perspective for me. I've been able to decide between happiness and sadness a little bit better, and I love being happy.

Tender Mercy

The other day I received an email from my mother with a really sweet story that I've been meaning to share with y'all. Enjoy!

I saw this on face book and really liked it. I wanted to share it with you. I don't know who wrote it. Love mom.

I just had a tender mercy moment tonight. I went out to feed my dogs and my horse (in the dark), and the neighbor's calf was out in the field on the wrong side of the fence. He was crying for his mama. (Calves bawling is a pretty sad sound!!) He wanted to be with her SO badly, and he was wandering around frantically pacing the fence line trying to figure out how to get to her... but he just couldn't figure out how. So I opened the nearest gate that went into a pen next to his mama. I had to move the cute lil guy down the fence-AWAY FROM HIS MAMA- to eventually get him into the same pen as her for a sweet reunion. I learned from this experience that sometimes God watches us frantically "pacing the fence line" of something we want the most. He sees us lost in the cold and the dark. He wants us to get to the place we want to be more than anything because He loves to see us happy. And so He opens gates for us, then leads or pushes us to them and even leads or pushes us through them. Is it painful to walk away from the things we want the most? Absolutely. But if we just put our trust in Him and let Him lead us, we will find we end up where we wanted to be-or even somewhere better than we ever imagined. God is SO good.  I testify of that!

Because of Sister Wittwer

January 21, 2015

The biggest miracle of all happened today. Heavenly Father gave me Sister Wittwer to be my companion before she goes home. I love Sister Wittwer soooo much and I am excited to see what lays in store for us these next 6 weeks. She is going to be exactly what I need. 

That was a year ago today.
I couldn't have been more right when I wrote that entry. Those six weeks were so hard for me, trying to figure out what was going on in my head and trying to push past it all. I am so very grateful to have had Sister Wittwer by my side, pulling me along, letting me rest when I really couldn't do it anymore. She drove me all the way down to Birmingham to meet with the mission counselor and talk with Sister Hanks. Sister Wittwer let me cry and pour my heart out to her. I was able to voice, to some extent, how I was feeling because I knew she loved me and cared about how I was feeling. She always had her arrows out, and she was able to take care of me and all the people we came in contact with in Jasper, Alabama.

She taught me so much by her example and we had a lot of fun amidst the trial that I was facing. It's because of her that I stayed out for as long as I did. Because of her, I learned how to have deep meaningful talks with God when I prayed. I learned how to hear and follow the Spirit more closely. We pushed ourselves so hard that transfer and we really did see a lot of miracles. That will always be my favorite transfer, because of Sister Wittwer.

Homework Thoughts

These are just some thoughts I had tonight while doing homework. They're things I could never say or admit out loud. I don't know what to do anymore! I feel so pathetic since I'm having these thoughts. I really want to be fine, but I just can't make myself. I'm getting through one day at a time, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything at all. 

I sit down to do my homework, and find myself frustrated. I have no real desire to be here at college, other than for the social interaction, which even then I struggle to enjoy being a part of. It just makes me feel like a failure, because in the culture of the LDS faith, education plays a vital role. We are constantly told to further our education and prepare ourselves for our future families. Yet every time I sit down to do just that, I find that I can't. And it frustrates me even more, feeling like I am incapable of bettering myself. I'm holding myself back, I realize this, but I don't know how to allow myself to be free.

Education is important, I know this, but I don't want to take part in formal education. I don't like being measured, because then I hold myself to higher expectations that I can't possibly fulfill. And I try to tell myself to lower my expectations to more attainable ones, but I can't.

I want to go home, but that desire just reminds me of my mission and the desire to leave such a great cause because I felt incapable. It hurts, it hurts so bad, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get rid of it.

Descartes' said "I think: therefore I am." "I think I am anxious, therefore I am anxious." "I think I am depressed therefore I am depressed."

Why do I get so emotional over homework? It's just homework, not plans to save the entire world. This philosophy and technique of teaching class is hard on me, because all the articles we are reading talk about the importance of gaining knowledge and wisdom and I can't find the desire to do that. I want to so badly, I want to want to be in college, because this is the phase of life I am in right now. But I feel as though I am failing, and it's such a stupid  thought to have, because through it I can faintly see/hear my true potential, but I can't reach it.

Thoughts I Have When Studying for my Eternal Family Class

I am enrolled in an Eternal Family course and love all the insights I have already gained after only a few weeks of school.
Here are some of today's thoughts.

"...by our choices we would demonstrate to God (and to ourselves) our commitment and capacity to live His celestial law while outside His presence and in a physical body with all its powers, appetites, and passions." {Why Marriage, Why Family. Elder D. Todd Christofferson, GC April 2015}

This is my greatest desire, to show God that I am committed to His cause. As a mere mortal, that's a pretty big thing to claim, and that might be the root of my anxiety, which in turn leads to depression. I want so badly to prove to my god and king that I am worthy enough to enter His kingdom. And the fact is, on my own, I simply am not. I cannot do it on my own. Which is why I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, which teaches me how to live, and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which helps me to more fully become the person I am destined to be.

I had this little thought as I was on my way to class this afternoon, stressing about living with anxiety and depression and attempting to do school the way everyone else does.

"The world would have you have a career. I would have you be a mother."

It was such a small thought, but it brought me so much comfort. All my life, all I've ever wanted to be was a mother. I was given baby dolls as Christmas presents and I would take them everywhere with me. Since I was 12, I've been making lists of what I hope my future husband will be like, and then when I got older I learned to work on those things myself.

I have a strong testimony of the family. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have my mom, or my dad, or each of my three brothers. I know I can always count on my family to cheer me up, to listen, to be there for me. So I know that families are important. I want to raise a family in righteousness.

Struggles

Everyday is a struggle.

The struggle to get up in the morning, to get dressed and ready for the challenges of the new day. It's a struggle to find the motivation to accomplish the things on your to do list. The struggle of overcoming the feeling that you didn't accomplish anything, when in reality you accomplished so much more.

God our Heavenly Father is aware of your struggles. He knows what you are going through and He knows that your struggles are big for you, even if they appear small to everyone else. As I sit here and type this, the Holy Ghost testifies to me that He is proud of you. He is proud that, for today, you overcame your struggles. He is proud, that for today, you got up and got dressed in some form or another and you tackled your day the best way that you knew how. And if the best way that you knew how to was to simply move from one room to the next, or to write that paper that you were dreading, or to forgive that person for that one thing that happened ages ago, then He is so proud of you. He is proud that, for today, you didn't completely give up. We are all proud of you. Because, as the saying goes, "the struggle is real." But you don't have to do it alone. That was never a part of the Plan. You have a loving Heavenly Father who sent His perfect Son down to an imperfect world full of sin to make sure that you knew that you were never alone. My favorite scripture in Alma tells what the Savior did for you.  

 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

So every time that you feel like you can't possibly struggle and fight anymore, please remember that you don't have to do it alone. As the Father sent an angel to His Son in the Garden of Gethsemane during his greatest time of need, so will the Father send you an angel whenever you need one. So be on the lookout for your angel, because I guarantee that they won't be in angel form, but they will help you. 

{This blog post is dedicated to those who fight struggles everyday, big or small. You are enough, and you are going to win your battle!}

Normal College Student?

Today is a really hard day. I've been trying to act like everything is okay, that I'm just a normal college student doing normal college student stuff. I started the semester out just fine. I got up on time for classes, did the homework, hung out and laughed with my roommates.

I guess the biggest thing is that I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I'm not able to do the things I once used to with the same mindset. Getting up and going to class before my mission was just fine. Sure I had stress, because what college student doesn't? Stress comes with the territory of going to school. But what I'm feeling goes much deeper than just worrying about a test grade. I find myself worrying about going to class because I'm not good enough, because I'm not doing enough. But I've pushed my body as far as it can go. And I feel like it's stupid because it's only the second week of classes. I used to be able to do classes and socialize, and now I can't. I'm so frustrated with myself for not doing better, or at least as well as I've done in the past.

I have a sincere desire to do my best, to do what is expected of me. When you couple that with feelings of doubt that you really aren't doing your best, or that your best isn't good enough, it's not a pretty combination. I shut down, become unresponsive. I do things to shut out the world, like watch Netflix or browse Pinterest for hours on end. I'm struggling to break these habits, but in them I find safety and security. I know I should turn elsewhere, or at least I feel like I should turn elsewhere, and that starts another round of beating myself up over silly little things.


College might not be for me. I can't handle the stress, or I have yet to figure out how to handle the stress.

Excerpts from the Miracle Journal

While I was serving in Jasper, Alabama, my Sister Training Leaders {STL's} gave all of us little notebooks that they had decorated all cutesy like, as sister missionaries do, and told us that these were our miracle journals. Mine has a quote on the front that says
"As individuals, we are strong. Together with God, we are unstoppable."
I made it a personal goal to record the everyday miracles and to write one thing every single day in this little notebook. It helped me on my hard days to really look for the good in what I was doing, and it has helped me recently as I've been home to look back and remember the good times I had on my mission. Here is my very first entry, from the first time I met sweet Sister Williams:


January 1, 2015
Today I met Sister Williams. I was able to testify that God is proud of her and that she is worth something. I didn't mean to say what I did, and I worried I was overstepping myself, but I said it anyways. The Spirit was so strong with us and Sister Williams was crying. The Lord spoke through me and I was able to say what she needed to hear and what I needed to hear.



We worked with Sister Williams several more times during my time in Jasper, and every time you could feel the Spirit in the room with us. I'm not sure how much I affected Sister Williams, but she sure did affect me and I am forever grateful for all that she taught me.

To the Boy Dating the Girl with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Boy,

How I wish I could tell you these things in person. How I wish I could articulate the things running through my mind, to make you understand what I'm feeling. I want so desperately for things to work out between us. But I'm faced with this crippling fear that they won't.

I'm trying so hard for you, to make you happy. I'm trying to at least pretend interest in the things that bring you joy. I'm trying to keep conversation going so that you don't have to fill the awkward silence. On top of keeping you happy, I'm worried about how everyone else around me is feeling. I'm trying to do my best at work to keep my coworkers happy. I'm trying to keep my friends happy. I'm so busy trying to keep everyone else happy that the happiness is draining from me. Before, other people's happiness used to bring me joy too. Tonight as I expressed a little bit of my insecurities, you started off on me trying to tell me how I can overcome them. Did you ever stop and think for one second that I know exactly how to overcome them?? I told you when

Insecurity

I'm insecure.

It's part of who I am. Some days I feel on top of the world, beautiful and smart and all that jazz, remembering that I am a daughter of God. Other days, especially this past week being away from you, it's easy to forget. It's easy to get caught up in my insecurity, not knowing if I'm good enough for you. And it's silly, because as a daughter of God, I should remember that I AM good enough, that I have worth and value. But when I can't read your thoughts and know exactly how you feel about me, I let my imagination take over. I begin to think that the way I view the world and how I interact with it isn't good enough for you. That it's weird and that it will drive you away. I'd like to think that you would like my real self. You've practically begged me to talk more, to tell you more about myself. That's something that's never come easy to me. I'm a natural born observer. I love to watch the world around me and struggle to become an active participant in it. You, on the other hand, seem to take so much joy from jumping in feet first. You have this drive to make lasting friendships that have deep meaning, while I, on the other hand, am content to make pleasant small talk and move on.

The saying is that opposites attract, but I'm worried that our personalities are too opposite for me to keep you around for much longer. Maybe it's the distance in miles over the break and the fact that we can't see each other in person everyday, but I'm scared of losing you. You call and we talk for an hour or so, but I've yet to hear a positive affirmation that you truly like me. I want this relationship to work out, but I'm afraid of messing things up. I've never had this serious of a relationship before. I've never had this serious of a friendship before. I'm not sure how to let people into the deep recesses of my mind, because I'm afraid that they'll be afraid of what they find there.

I know that insecurity isn't a trait that only I have, but it's one of those things people don't like to share with each other. They're absolutely positive that only they experience this sort of thing. But it's not true. We all face it. We just have to realize that and come together to help each other overcome it. Sure we could beat insecurity on our own, but when you look at where insecurity comes from, doesn't it make sense to have people help us overcome this beast? Insecurity is the fear that we aren't as good as other people or that we aren't good enough in general. It happens when we compare ourselves. So when we have a good support team reaffirming things that we already know, {i.e. that we're smart, beautiful, talented, funny, etc.} it makes it easier for us to remember. We've become a society that worries about what others think about us. So we need to surround ourselves with a great group of friends that will pick us up on our bad days.

My challenge to you, dear reader, is to go out and be that friend. Spread words of affirmation. Let people know how much you care about them. They may already know it, but it's wonderful to get little reminders. Don't ever miss out on the opportunity to let someone know how much you care.

Forever Changed

The sisters that I went into the MTC with returned home last week. They served the full 18 months. I'm not going to lie, it hurt my heart and self-esteem knowing that I wouldn't be with them. I still struggle, even after 9 months of being home. Even after 2 jobs, 1 move, 1 ex-boyfriend, 1 current boyfriend and numerous memories and learning experiences, it still hurts to know that I didn't serve as long as they did, and I still feel as though I did something wrong.

But I took a step back tonight and realized how blessed I truly am to have come home after "only" 9 months in the mission field. I was able to attend my little brother's graduation ceremony, watch him open his own mission call and enter the MTC. I obtained my first real job and started saving money for college. I was able to be a part of my very bestest friend's wedding. I dated a couple good guys and learned some valuable things about myself and about dating. I'm dating a wonderful, amazing guy right now who is still teaching me things about myself and about dating. I've saved up enough money to get through a semester of college. I've had humbling, testimony building experiences and through it all, I've still been able to share the gospel. I only needed 9 months in Alabama to learn things that have affected the rest of my life.

This has definitely been a year that I did not plan. I said I never would serve a mission before I got married, but the Lord had other plans. I said that I would serve the full 18 months of a mission, but the Lord had other plans for me. I set my sights on a particular young man, but once more the Lord had other plans. The Lord has spent this year guiding me and I've noticed it even more so than I have in my past because I was actively listening to the Holy Ghost, a skill that I fine-tuned on my mission. It has been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows. I've learned so much about myself and how strong I can be, but more importantly, I have come to truly understand how much my Father in Heaven loves me. I know this because of the year I've had and how He has been there every step of the way. His love for me is in this big trial and the little ones along the way because I get up each morning and, to some degree, I am able to face my day. I am so grateful for His strength.

I know I'll never return to Alabama with my nametag on my blouse. That chapter of my story ended awhile ago. And as most people are at the end of a good book, I was in denial that it really was over. But I've come to terms with this fact and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life. I'm ready to live in the moment I'm in, to remember the things I've learned, to look forward to the future while not forgetting to look around right next to me. I'm grateful for the strength I've received and I'm ready to put it to the test. I'm ready to take on the world!

Relationship Thoughts

Well, here we go again. It's the start of a new relationship with a great guy, and I'm terrified how I'm going to be. I'm looking for a guy who understands what I'm going through, but the cold hard truth is that not a whole lot of people who don't have depression and anxiety really understand what it's like to live with either, let alone both.

Our conversation tonight made me feel stupid. He talked about his goals and where he wants to be, and when I talked about mine, I felt like he didn't think that was good enough. And maybe I'm just psyching myself out, putting thoughts in my head that don't belong there. I hope that as we continue this relationship and learn more about each other that we can fall in love. But I'm so scared of just wanting a relationship that I try and force this one. I want to give him that benefit of the doubt, that he will learn how to be around me when I'm suffering from depression. As he was leaving tonight, he told me "Don't be depressed." I want to think that he was doing what he could to offer me comfort. I'm concerned that this might be a one sided relationship, where he's doing all the taking and I'm doing all the giving. Relationships need to be a give and take from both sides. What if I'm not doing enough giving? What if I'm not doing enough for him? Will this vicious cycle of anxiety and depression never end????

My Little Boat

I picture myself on my own little boat in this sea called life. There are times where the sun shines happily on my little boat as a soft breeze pushes me forward and I am happy and content at the wheel. Then there are other times where there is a look of stern concentration upon my brow as the waters around me are choppy and I can see sharks and killer whales breaching the surface near my cute little boat. Then there are still other times where my face is determined and my hands clenched tight to the wheel of my boat as wave after wave washes over us. My storms of life seem to come close together, with very brief periods of sunshine between. However, I like to imagine my face stays determined after each wave and after each storm. I like to think that I shout at the storm, through the rain beating on my face, as I swallow sea water from the last wave, "Is that the best you got? I can handle that!" I like to think that my hands stay firm on the wheel of my little boat, determined to continually steer us back towards Heavenly Father. No matter how many times the waves of depression and anxiety come against me, I will be steadfast and not be overcome. Try as they might, I won't let them drag me down. I will continue to fight against my anxiety and depression, and against the Adversary who uses them against me.

#fightselfishness

Today has been another rough one. I had almost all of last week off because of Thanksgiving. The original plan was to have that time off to go up to Wisconsin with a boyfriend. It's great to have a plan, but plans are always changing. Since the Wisconsin trip was called off due to us breaking up, I decided it would be nice to have that time off anyways to recuperate and do something else for a change. It was a good idea, but getting back into work this morning was a challenge and I just felt off the whole day and it was kind of discouraging. I suppose I'm too much of a perfectionist and I need to be more patient with myself. But I couldn't shake the feeling and it finally caught up with me after the YSA stake activity this evening and I couldn't take it anymore. So I called up my friend Sparky to talk about it with him.

I'm grateful for friends like Sparky, who will walk with you in single digit temperatures as you ball your eyes out because you can't figure out this feeling inside you. I'm grateful for them because every once in a while you need to focus on yourself. But that doesn't mean that you should always focus on yourself. This life is about others and how you can help them. My patriarchal blessing says that the best way for me to fight my depression is for me to lose myself in the service of others. So tonight I wrote myself this little note to help me remember that.

My daily goal is to actively seek out people to serve and to make a difference in someone's life everyday. I chose the #fightselfishness because I know that as I continually seek  to help others, my life will be improved. Truly we come to find ourselves as we lose ourselves in the service of God and our fellow men. I just need a little reminder of that from time to time. So I will place this note on my bedroom wall and continue my fight against depression as I continue to better the world, one person at a time.