Homework Thoughts

These are just some thoughts I had tonight while doing homework. They're things I could never say or admit out loud. I don't know what to do anymore! I feel so pathetic since I'm having these thoughts. I really want to be fine, but I just can't make myself. I'm getting through one day at a time, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything at all. 

I sit down to do my homework, and find myself frustrated. I have no real desire to be here at college, other than for the social interaction, which even then I struggle to enjoy being a part of. It just makes me feel like a failure, because in the culture of the LDS faith, education plays a vital role. We are constantly told to further our education and prepare ourselves for our future families. Yet every time I sit down to do just that, I find that I can't. And it frustrates me even more, feeling like I am incapable of bettering myself. I'm holding myself back, I realize this, but I don't know how to allow myself to be free.

Education is important, I know this, but I don't want to take part in formal education. I don't like being measured, because then I hold myself to higher expectations that I can't possibly fulfill. And I try to tell myself to lower my expectations to more attainable ones, but I can't.

I want to go home, but that desire just reminds me of my mission and the desire to leave such a great cause because I felt incapable. It hurts, it hurts so bad, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get rid of it.

Descartes' said "I think: therefore I am." "I think I am anxious, therefore I am anxious." "I think I am depressed therefore I am depressed."

Why do I get so emotional over homework? It's just homework, not plans to save the entire world. This philosophy and technique of teaching class is hard on me, because all the articles we are reading talk about the importance of gaining knowledge and wisdom and I can't find the desire to do that. I want to so badly, I want to want to be in college, because this is the phase of life I am in right now. But I feel as though I am failing, and it's such a stupid  thought to have, because through it I can faintly see/hear my true potential, but I can't reach it.