The sisters that I went into the MTC with returned home last week. They served the full 18 months. I'm not going to lie, it hurt my heart and self-esteem knowing that I wouldn't be with them. I still struggle, even after 9 months of being home. Even after 2 jobs, 1 move, 1 ex-boyfriend, 1 current boyfriend and numerous memories and learning experiences, it still hurts to know that I didn't serve as long as they did, and I still feel as though I did something wrong.
But I took a step back tonight and realized how blessed I truly am to have come home after "only" 9 months in the mission field. I was able to attend my little brother's graduation ceremony, watch him open his own mission call and enter the MTC. I obtained my first real job and started saving money for college. I was able to be a part of my very bestest friend's wedding. I dated a couple good guys and learned some valuable things about myself and about dating. I'm dating a wonderful, amazing guy right now who is still teaching me things about myself and about dating. I've saved up enough money to get through a semester of college. I've had humbling, testimony building experiences and through it all, I've still been able to share the gospel. I only needed 9 months in Alabama to learn things that have affected the rest of my life.
This has definitely been a year that I did not plan. I said I never would serve a mission before I got married, but the Lord had other plans. I said that I would serve the full 18 months of a mission, but the Lord had other plans for me. I set my sights on a particular young man, but once more the Lord had other plans. The Lord has spent this year guiding me and I've noticed it even more so than I have in my past because I was actively listening to the Holy Ghost, a skill that I fine-tuned on my mission. It has been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows. I've learned so much about myself and how strong I can be, but more importantly, I have come to truly understand how much my Father in Heaven loves me. I know this because of the year I've had and how He has been there every step of the way. His love for me is in this big trial and the little ones along the way because I get up each morning and, to some degree, I am able to face my day. I am so grateful for His strength.
I know I'll never return to Alabama with my nametag on my blouse. That chapter of my story ended awhile ago. And as most people are at the end of a good book, I was in denial that it really was over. But I've come to terms with this fact and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life. I'm ready to live in the moment I'm in, to remember the things I've learned, to look forward to the future while not forgetting to look around right next to me. I'm grateful for the strength I've received and I'm ready to put it to the test. I'm ready to take on the world!
Friday, December 25, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Relationship Thoughts
Well, here we go again. It's the start of a new relationship with a great guy, and I'm terrified how I'm going to be. I'm looking for a guy who understands what I'm going through, but the cold hard truth is that not a whole lot of people who don't have depression and anxiety really understand what it's like to live with either, let alone both.
Our conversation tonight made me feel stupid. He talked about his goals and where he wants to be, and when I talked about mine, I felt like he didn't think that was good enough. And maybe I'm just psyching myself out, putting thoughts in my head that don't belong there. I hope that as we continue this relationship and learn more about each other that we can fall in love. But I'm so scared of just wanting a relationship that I try and force this one. I want to give him that benefit of the doubt, that he will learn how to be around me when I'm suffering from depression. As he was leaving tonight, he told me "Don't be depressed." I want to think that he was doing what he could to offer me comfort. I'm concerned that this might be a one sided relationship, where he's doing all the taking and I'm doing all the giving. Relationships need to be a give and take from both sides. What if I'm not doing enough giving? What if I'm not doing enough for him? Will this vicious cycle of anxiety and depression never end????
Our conversation tonight made me feel stupid. He talked about his goals and where he wants to be, and when I talked about mine, I felt like he didn't think that was good enough. And maybe I'm just psyching myself out, putting thoughts in my head that don't belong there. I hope that as we continue this relationship and learn more about each other that we can fall in love. But I'm so scared of just wanting a relationship that I try and force this one. I want to give him that benefit of the doubt, that he will learn how to be around me when I'm suffering from depression. As he was leaving tonight, he told me "Don't be depressed." I want to think that he was doing what he could to offer me comfort. I'm concerned that this might be a one sided relationship, where he's doing all the taking and I'm doing all the giving. Relationships need to be a give and take from both sides. What if I'm not doing enough giving? What if I'm not doing enough for him? Will this vicious cycle of anxiety and depression never end????
Thursday, December 3, 2015
My Little Boat
I picture myself on my own little boat in this sea called life. There are times where the sun shines happily on my little boat as a soft breeze pushes me forward and I am happy and content at the wheel. Then there are other times where there is a look of stern concentration upon my brow as the waters around me are choppy and I can see sharks and killer whales breaching the surface near my cute little boat. Then there are still other times where my face is determined and my hands clenched tight to the wheel of my boat as wave after wave washes over us. My storms of life seem to come close together, with very brief periods of sunshine between. However, I like to imagine my face stays determined after each wave and after each storm. I like to think that I shout at the storm, through the rain beating on my face, as I swallow sea water from the last wave, "Is that the best you got? I can handle that!" I like to think that my hands stay firm on the wheel of my little boat, determined to continually steer us back towards Heavenly Father. No matter how many times the waves of depression and anxiety come against me, I will be steadfast and not be overcome. Try as they might, I won't let them drag me down. I will continue to fight against my anxiety and depression, and against the Adversary who uses them against me.
Monday, November 30, 2015
#fightselfishness
Today has been another rough one. I had almost all of last week off because of Thanksgiving. The original plan was to have that time off to go up to Wisconsin with a boyfriend. It's great to have a plan, but plans are always changing. Since the Wisconsin trip was called off due to us breaking up, I decided it would be nice to have that time off anyways to recuperate and do something else for a change. It was a good idea, but getting back into work this morning was a challenge and I just felt off the whole day and it was kind of discouraging. I suppose I'm too much of a perfectionist and I need to be more patient with myself. But I couldn't shake the feeling and it finally caught up with me after the YSA stake activity this evening and I couldn't take it anymore. So I called up my friend Sparky to talk about it with him.
I'm grateful for friends like Sparky, who will walk with you in single digit temperatures as you ball your eyes out because you can't figure out this feeling inside you. I'm grateful for them because every once in a while you need to focus on yourself. But that doesn't mean that you should always focus on yourself. This life is about others and how you can help them. My patriarchal blessing says that the best way for me to fight my depression is for me to lose myself in the service of others. So tonight I wrote myself this little note to help me remember that.
I'm grateful for friends like Sparky, who will walk with you in single digit temperatures as you ball your eyes out because you can't figure out this feeling inside you. I'm grateful for them because every once in a while you need to focus on yourself. But that doesn't mean that you should always focus on yourself. This life is about others and how you can help them. My patriarchal blessing says that the best way for me to fight my depression is for me to lose myself in the service of others. So tonight I wrote myself this little note to help me remember that.
My daily goal is to actively seek out people to serve and to make a difference in someone's life everyday. I chose the #fightselfishness because I know that as I continually seek to help others, my life will be improved. Truly we come to find ourselves as we lose ourselves in the service of God and our fellow men. I just need a little reminder of that from time to time. So I will place this note on my bedroom wall and continue my fight against depression as I continue to better the world, one person at a time.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Because I Served a Mission...
I had this thought today during Relief Society. I had just had a discussion in the hallway with a counselor in the bishopric and the ward mission leader {I'm a ward missionary} and we were discussing the situation of a few of our less active members. I was still thinking about them during the Relief Society lesson when I had a memory pop into my mind.
I saw myself back in Alabama with my trainer and we were at a correlation meeting at the ward mission leader's house. We were discussing our investigators and the members of the ward. Our goal was to find people in the ward that the investigators could bond with and become attached to rather than attaching themselves to missionaries that would soon leave. The goal of a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to help people come closer to Jesus Christ. A lot of the time, people would draw closer to the missionaries and as soon as they left, the person would stop attending church. We didn't want that to happen, so to fix that we would try to get the ward members involved so that the newcomers would have a friend and feel comfortable attending church long after the missionaries left.
I remember a lot of our correlation meetings would have discussions about who we could get involved in missionary work to make that transition for our investigators easier. Because of this, my mission taught me to have a deeper love for people and to have a concern for the people in the ward. I still have that love today and absolutely love my calling as a ward missionary. I will be leaving this ward in January because I will start school and will be put into a student ward. I am so sad to leave this loving ward, and I am concerned about those we are working with. My goal now is to get as many less active members involved in the ward as I can before I leave so that they can help each other to be strong.
I saw myself back in Alabama with my trainer and we were at a correlation meeting at the ward mission leader's house. We were discussing our investigators and the members of the ward. Our goal was to find people in the ward that the investigators could bond with and become attached to rather than attaching themselves to missionaries that would soon leave. The goal of a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to help people come closer to Jesus Christ. A lot of the time, people would draw closer to the missionaries and as soon as they left, the person would stop attending church. We didn't want that to happen, so to fix that we would try to get the ward members involved so that the newcomers would have a friend and feel comfortable attending church long after the missionaries left.
I remember a lot of our correlation meetings would have discussions about who we could get involved in missionary work to make that transition for our investigators easier. Because of this, my mission taught me to have a deeper love for people and to have a concern for the people in the ward. I still have that love today and absolutely love my calling as a ward missionary. I will be leaving this ward in January because I will start school and will be put into a student ward. I am so sad to leave this loving ward, and I am concerned about those we are working with. My goal now is to get as many less active members involved in the ward as I can before I leave so that they can help each other to be strong.
Monday, November 16, 2015
He Knows Me
I know that Heavenly Father knows me personally. How do I know this? He has strategically placed people in my life for days like yesterday. Days where I can't fight the anxiety and depression anymore. Days where I am tired and spent and just want to give up. Days where I feel like I am completely and utterly alone in this world. Days where I can't stand being with myself.
Yesterday he sent me three friends, friends I've been building relationships with the past couple of weeks who knew what to do when I didn't. I am so grateful for these three friends. For the one who knew how to listen and share his own experiences, who let me sob uncontrollably into his shoulder, and then distracted me and helped me feel better. I'm grateful for the two who showed up without being asked and brought homemade cookies and told me funny stories that made me laugh and forget what I was going through. I do not have the words to express my gratitude and I doubt they will ever realize how their small acts of kindness made such an impact in my life.
Thank you, Sparky, Little Red and Snowball.
Yesterday he sent me three friends, friends I've been building relationships with the past couple of weeks who knew what to do when I didn't. I am so grateful for these three friends. For the one who knew how to listen and share his own experiences, who let me sob uncontrollably into his shoulder, and then distracted me and helped me feel better. I'm grateful for the two who showed up without being asked and brought homemade cookies and told me funny stories that made me laugh and forget what I was going through. I do not have the words to express my gratitude and I doubt they will ever realize how their small acts of kindness made such an impact in my life.
Thank you, Sparky, Little Red and Snowball.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
I Won't Be With Them
I had a startling realization today that almost broke my heart. In about 5 weeks, the sisters that entered the Missionary Training Center the same time I did will be returning home to their families, having faithfully completed 18 months of missionary service. And I won't be with them.
It's been almost 8 months since I have returned home, and the emotions are still there. The disappointment in myself that I didn't stay in Alabama for the full 18 months. The doubt that I wasn't enough for my mission president, fellow missionaries, and the Lord. The self loathing that I didn't do enough for what I knew to be true. The idea that even though I attempted to give my all, it really wasn't my all, that I could have done better.
I'm terrified that I'm never going to lose these emotions. That no matter how deep I try to bury them, how much I try to ignore them, they will always be there, always with me. How am I to escape them when I can't get rid of the desire to fan their flames? I feel like they have to be a part of me now, and I dwell on them when I know I probably shouldn't. I try to direct my focus elsewhere, such as the scriptures, gospel teachings, Christ's Atonement, the temple, or other wholesome things, yet the negative ideas keep coming back. I'm never going to escape them.
I sometimes wish I could just sleep my life away. How much easier it would be to continuously be in a dream world where nothing goes wrong. To sleep in peace and never worry about not being good enough.
I feel so isolated from the other missionaries that I served with. I follow some other RM's on social media and feel almost left out. I didn't get the same experiences that they did so I feel as though I can't relate to them. Once more I feel like the outsider who doesn't fit in with what everybody else is doing.
Even as I write my thoughts, the Spirit whispers and confirms to me the things I already know to be true. This Earth life wasn't meant to be a dream world. We weren't sent here to be comfortable. We were sent to Earth to work and sweat and bleed and earn and grow into our best selves. This trial will most likely be one that follows me for the rest of my life because it tests and stretches me in ways that nothing else can. We weren't meant to be the same. We were meant to be beautifully different. Our strengths and our weaknesses are opposite and complimentary to those around us. That is what makes the world go round. Our life is about progress, especially in little steps. My friend posted this on Instagram the other day and it is beautiful.
I'm a dancer; it's what I do. So this isn't a disaster, this is just another dance step in my personal dance number. And I can allow the audience to notice that I did the wrong choreography, or I can help them believe that I was supposed to do that and move on with the rest of the piece. I choose to move on.
It's been almost 8 months since I have returned home, and the emotions are still there. The disappointment in myself that I didn't stay in Alabama for the full 18 months. The doubt that I wasn't enough for my mission president, fellow missionaries, and the Lord. The self loathing that I didn't do enough for what I knew to be true. The idea that even though I attempted to give my all, it really wasn't my all, that I could have done better.
I'm terrified that I'm never going to lose these emotions. That no matter how deep I try to bury them, how much I try to ignore them, they will always be there, always with me. How am I to escape them when I can't get rid of the desire to fan their flames? I feel like they have to be a part of me now, and I dwell on them when I know I probably shouldn't. I try to direct my focus elsewhere, such as the scriptures, gospel teachings, Christ's Atonement, the temple, or other wholesome things, yet the negative ideas keep coming back. I'm never going to escape them.
I sometimes wish I could just sleep my life away. How much easier it would be to continuously be in a dream world where nothing goes wrong. To sleep in peace and never worry about not being good enough.
I feel so isolated from the other missionaries that I served with. I follow some other RM's on social media and feel almost left out. I didn't get the same experiences that they did so I feel as though I can't relate to them. Once more I feel like the outsider who doesn't fit in with what everybody else is doing.
Even as I write my thoughts, the Spirit whispers and confirms to me the things I already know to be true. This Earth life wasn't meant to be a dream world. We weren't sent here to be comfortable. We were sent to Earth to work and sweat and bleed and earn and grow into our best selves. This trial will most likely be one that follows me for the rest of my life because it tests and stretches me in ways that nothing else can. We weren't meant to be the same. We were meant to be beautifully different. Our strengths and our weaknesses are opposite and complimentary to those around us. That is what makes the world go round. Our life is about progress, especially in little steps. My friend posted this on Instagram the other day and it is beautiful.
I'm a dancer; it's what I do. So this isn't a disaster, this is just another dance step in my personal dance number. And I can allow the audience to notice that I did the wrong choreography, or I can help them believe that I was supposed to do that and move on with the rest of the piece. I choose to move on.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Apologies From Anxiety and Depression
We're sorry.
We're sorry for taking over your loved one. For making her feel like everything was going wrong in her life, even though it's not. For pointing out all that could go wrong and distracting her from all that was going right. For consuming her to the point where she didn't want to be in your company anymore. For making her feel like it was her fault that she couldn't control us.
We're sorry.
We're sorry for taking over your life. For taking those great moments and focusing only on what went wrong in them. For making a big deal out of little ones, and convincing you that things had to be a certain way when it really didn't matter. For telling you that you weren't good enough to be a missionary because you had to deal with us.
We're sorry.
We really truly are. We're sorry for taking your life of joy and making it miserable by being there every second of the day. For tainting the memories of joyous occasions with our pungent smells that compliment in the most vile of ways . We're sorry that you get us under control and begin to feel normal once more and we drop in for a surprise visit.
We're sorry.
We're sorry for the pain we've caused in your relationships. For the space we put between you and your boyfriend because you wanted to cope with us on your own. For making you feel like you had no one to turn to and that we would be your only company until you found a way on your own to make us leave and be gone for good. We're sorry that you didn't realize earlier that we're not something you can handle on your own.
But look how far you've come. Look at the things you've faced and the challenges you've overcome. We're so proud of you, for all that you did while we were by your side. We can see that it's still a challenge for you to admit that we are with you, but you've gotten so much better at it. And really, our visits seem to be getting fewer and farther between. As big as we seem to be, and as much as we appear to block your path, it's only because we're right in front of you. If you were to push us back, you would come to realize that we're no bigger than the height of your knees. You keep pushing, you keep trying. It's been done before by so many others and you can do it too. We're never going to fully leave you; we like you too much for that. But soon you'll be able to get your space back and you can build those relationships that you want. Trust us. It's all going to work out in the end.
We're sorry for taking over your loved one. For making her feel like everything was going wrong in her life, even though it's not. For pointing out all that could go wrong and distracting her from all that was going right. For consuming her to the point where she didn't want to be in your company anymore. For making her feel like it was her fault that she couldn't control us.
We're sorry.
We're sorry for taking over your life. For taking those great moments and focusing only on what went wrong in them. For making a big deal out of little ones, and convincing you that things had to be a certain way when it really didn't matter. For telling you that you weren't good enough to be a missionary because you had to deal with us.
We're sorry.
We really truly are. We're sorry for taking your life of joy and making it miserable by being there every second of the day. For tainting the memories of joyous occasions with our pungent smells that compliment in the most vile of ways . We're sorry that you get us under control and begin to feel normal once more and we drop in for a surprise visit.
We're sorry.
We're sorry for the pain we've caused in your relationships. For the space we put between you and your boyfriend because you wanted to cope with us on your own. For making you feel like you had no one to turn to and that we would be your only company until you found a way on your own to make us leave and be gone for good. We're sorry that you didn't realize earlier that we're not something you can handle on your own.
But look how far you've come. Look at the things you've faced and the challenges you've overcome. We're so proud of you, for all that you did while we were by your side. We can see that it's still a challenge for you to admit that we are with you, but you've gotten so much better at it. And really, our visits seem to be getting fewer and farther between. As big as we seem to be, and as much as we appear to block your path, it's only because we're right in front of you. If you were to push us back, you would come to realize that we're no bigger than the height of your knees. You keep pushing, you keep trying. It's been done before by so many others and you can do it too. We're never going to fully leave you; we like you too much for that. But soon you'll be able to get your space back and you can build those relationships that you want. Trust us. It's all going to work out in the end.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
That Empty Space
I miss him, but I fear that I miss the space he took up. I'm worried that I don't like the hole he left and that because I know he would easily fill it again, I miss him. What do I know of love?
I am terrified of love. I am terrified of loving someone so deeply and purely, of taking their happiness forever into my own hands. I'm scared of not being enough for him, of not doing enough for him. I'm selfish and I'm worried I won't get over that to be able to give him what he needs. At this point in my life, I'm not ready to be done being selfish. This is my time, and I want to have it for as long as I possibly can. Don't get me wrong, I dream of the day when I get to be a wife and care for my husband and nurture our children. But when that opportunity started to get close, I ran for the hills. Now I'm looking back and wondering what I missed out on. And how do I get it back? I don't know if he wanted to break up with me because it's what I wanted, or if it's because he didn't want to be with me anymore.
Then all these questions start whirling around, and I can't focus enough to grasp even one to think about. Have I done something awful by pushing him away? Was he the one I could have been the happiest with? Will I be able to find someone as good as he was? Is he even missing me right now? Does he think about me as often as I catch myself thinking about him?
I am having this conversation with a friend right now about our different relationships, specifically that of mission companions who don't get along at first yet wind up being the best of friends. I quote him here: "It could also be that we go through the thick and thin with them, for lack of a better term. It seems to me that a longer lasting relationship could develop when there is a lot of different trials to experience as opposed to those who don't have as many trials."
My response: "I like the way you phrased that. Just as our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ strengthen because of our trials [us being brought closer to them] our earthly relationships can be strengthened because of them [our trials]."
Maybe this is a trial that will strengthen our relationship. I'm scared to hold onto the smallest bit of hope that it is, that our relationship will work out. I don't want to be afraid to love him, yet I am. I know I need to pray about all of this, yet I'm fearful of the answer. I want the college life back. I want to go on lots of dates and hang out with lots of different guys. Yet I don't want to be with any of those guys, and I don't want them to get the wrong impression. I just want to go out and have fun with my friends and not have to worry about someone else. How selfish am I, wanting just to worry about me, when my big heart wants to worry about everyone else at the same time.
If you've managed to get through this conflicted blog post, congratulations. I am very impressed. If you have any insights/comments please feel free to leave them below. I would love to hear whatever you have to offer!
I am terrified of love. I am terrified of loving someone so deeply and purely, of taking their happiness forever into my own hands. I'm scared of not being enough for him, of not doing enough for him. I'm selfish and I'm worried I won't get over that to be able to give him what he needs. At this point in my life, I'm not ready to be done being selfish. This is my time, and I want to have it for as long as I possibly can. Don't get me wrong, I dream of the day when I get to be a wife and care for my husband and nurture our children. But when that opportunity started to get close, I ran for the hills. Now I'm looking back and wondering what I missed out on. And how do I get it back? I don't know if he wanted to break up with me because it's what I wanted, or if it's because he didn't want to be with me anymore.
Then all these questions start whirling around, and I can't focus enough to grasp even one to think about. Have I done something awful by pushing him away? Was he the one I could have been the happiest with? Will I be able to find someone as good as he was? Is he even missing me right now? Does he think about me as often as I catch myself thinking about him?
I am having this conversation with a friend right now about our different relationships, specifically that of mission companions who don't get along at first yet wind up being the best of friends. I quote him here: "It could also be that we go through the thick and thin with them, for lack of a better term. It seems to me that a longer lasting relationship could develop when there is a lot of different trials to experience as opposed to those who don't have as many trials."
My response: "I like the way you phrased that. Just as our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ strengthen because of our trials [us being brought closer to them] our earthly relationships can be strengthened because of them [our trials]."
Maybe this is a trial that will strengthen our relationship. I'm scared to hold onto the smallest bit of hope that it is, that our relationship will work out. I don't want to be afraid to love him, yet I am. I know I need to pray about all of this, yet I'm fearful of the answer. I want the college life back. I want to go on lots of dates and hang out with lots of different guys. Yet I don't want to be with any of those guys, and I don't want them to get the wrong impression. I just want to go out and have fun with my friends and not have to worry about someone else. How selfish am I, wanting just to worry about me, when my big heart wants to worry about everyone else at the same time.
If you've managed to get through this conflicted blog post, congratulations. I am very impressed. If you have any insights/comments please feel free to leave them below. I would love to hear whatever you have to offer!
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Definitely Not Alone
This week has been a hard week for me. I'm working full time and dating a great guy, so between work and the boyfriend, I have little time for anything else and that's really starting to take it's toll on me. I need this job, and this job needs me because there are only about four full time workers who know a lot about what they are doing. The boy feels like he needs me, but I'm not so sure I need the boy right now. I tried to break up with him tonight, but he didn't see a valid reason for us to break up, so he thinks he's just giving me some space, and that I'll talk to him again soon, but I'm not so sure.
Can people fall out of love? I tell this boy I love him, then a week later feel almost nothing for him. In fact, it stresses me out to think about hanging out and being with him. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I've been focusing on other people for far too long and neglecting myself. Now I have a chance to focus on myself and don't know what to do. How am I supposed to get better if I don't know how to do it?
Confession: I've been neglecting my prayer and scripture study recently. I know that's had an affect on my emotions and the way I've been feeling. So tonight I grabbed my Book of Mormon, flipped open to a random page and started reading:
Can people fall out of love? I tell this boy I love him, then a week later feel almost nothing for him. In fact, it stresses me out to think about hanging out and being with him. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I've been focusing on other people for far too long and neglecting myself. Now I have a chance to focus on myself and don't know what to do. How am I supposed to get better if I don't know how to do it?
Confession: I've been neglecting my prayer and scripture study recently. I know that's had an affect on my emotions and the way I've been feeling. So tonight I grabbed my Book of Mormon, flipped open to a random page and started reading:
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictionsand temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loosethe bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.
Of course! Of course I flipped open to the scripture that brought me strength and comfort on my mission. Of course the three verses I would read tonight would be ones that would remind me that I'm definitely not facing this trial alone.
Earlier today in Sacrament meeting at church, my bishop shared this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:
Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.
How wonderful it is to have a Father in Heaven who is fully aware of me and knows how to answer my prayers when I don't even know what to ask for! How extremely blessed I am to have this knowledge of the restored gospel to lift me and strengthen me. I add my fervent testimony to that of the ancient prophet Alma and modern day apostle Elder Holland. Christ suffered for you personally, and there are blessings within your grasp. Keep walking, dear friend. You are definitely not alone.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Are Missions Really the Best?
Why are missions the best?
"Missions are the greatest thing ever!" Is a cliche saying that all returned missionaries say. So do I believe it when I too exclaim it, or am I just saying it because that's what I've heard repeated over the years?
I can see where people are coming from when they make this claim, because I did have some really good moments on my mission. There were moments when I felt the Spirit testifying truth as we taught lessons. I felt the love that Heavenly Father must feel for all His children. I met some amazing people and forged lasting friendships because of the 9 months I spent in Alabama serving the Lord. But 6 out of those 9 months were extremely difficult for me. I entered the field and did not have a clue as to what I was doing. I followed my trainer around like a scared bunny rabbit because I didn't want to say or do the wrong thing. I didn't have the confidence or the courage to speak boldly like my trainer did. When I was transferred and given a new companion, speaking still did not come easily to me, although it did to her and I wasn't given many opportunities to become better at it. The same thing happened with my next companion. The one after, however, was heaven sent. My fourth companion was the sweetest ever and helped my confidence to grow because she simply loved me and believed in me. She went out of her way to serve me, as did the companion after that.
I had some miserable moments on my mission, times when I didn't know if I was good enough to be out there claiming the things that I did. I didn't have the confidence to do the work as I felt I ought. I was discouraged and didn't want to be out there. But because I was, I became a better person. I was brought so low, that I had to turn to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I began to understand the enabling power of the Atonement, because boy did I need it. It was a daily struggle to get up and going in the morning, and I know it was only because of Him that I could do it. I was given a deeper understanding and love for God's children. These are two of the things that I carry with me today. My confidence has grown, and even though it takes some nose dives on some days, I know who I can turn to to help me out.
So yes, I was miserable 6 out of the 9 months I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But I was also the happiest I've ever been. Missions really are the best.
"Missions are the greatest thing ever!" Is a cliche saying that all returned missionaries say. So do I believe it when I too exclaim it, or am I just saying it because that's what I've heard repeated over the years?
I can see where people are coming from when they make this claim, because I did have some really good moments on my mission. There were moments when I felt the Spirit testifying truth as we taught lessons. I felt the love that Heavenly Father must feel for all His children. I met some amazing people and forged lasting friendships because of the 9 months I spent in Alabama serving the Lord. But 6 out of those 9 months were extremely difficult for me. I entered the field and did not have a clue as to what I was doing. I followed my trainer around like a scared bunny rabbit because I didn't want to say or do the wrong thing. I didn't have the confidence or the courage to speak boldly like my trainer did. When I was transferred and given a new companion, speaking still did not come easily to me, although it did to her and I wasn't given many opportunities to become better at it. The same thing happened with my next companion. The one after, however, was heaven sent. My fourth companion was the sweetest ever and helped my confidence to grow because she simply loved me and believed in me. She went out of her way to serve me, as did the companion after that.
I had some miserable moments on my mission, times when I didn't know if I was good enough to be out there claiming the things that I did. I didn't have the confidence to do the work as I felt I ought. I was discouraged and didn't want to be out there. But because I was, I became a better person. I was brought so low, that I had to turn to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I began to understand the enabling power of the Atonement, because boy did I need it. It was a daily struggle to get up and going in the morning, and I know it was only because of Him that I could do it. I was given a deeper understanding and love for God's children. These are two of the things that I carry with me today. My confidence has grown, and even though it takes some nose dives on some days, I know who I can turn to to help me out.
So yes, I was miserable 6 out of the 9 months I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But I was also the happiest I've ever been. Missions really are the best.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
The Garden of Your Mind
Sundays are always great days. I am able to attend church and for 3 hours I get to feel the presence of the Holy Ghost so strongly. It is an opportunity for the Lord to communicate with me as I listen to those who have been guided by the Spirit in preparing talks and lessons. Today Bishop Pyper taught a combined lesson and said something that I really needed to hear. He said:
"From time to time you need to go through the garden of your mind and weed out the bad thoughts. Not just the unclean thoughts but the negative ones that weigh you down and depress you. Weeds grow best where nothing else is growing. So, keep the garden of your mind full of good things to keep the weeds out."
Will you leave your garden barren, perfect for weeds of self doubt and self loathing to grow? Or will you work on your garden, pulling out the bad and replacing it with the good? Some days will be tough, but as you actively take notice of what is growing in your mind and replace those thoughts of unworthiness and self-pity with thoughts of the Savior's love for you, you will notice a difference in your attitude and you will be happier.
I have come to know through my own experiences how damaging focusing on a bad thought can be. When I nitpick my actions and what I'm doing, when I focus on the little bad things in my life, they grow and become huge and overwhelming to the point where that is all I see in my life. Too often I find myself nourishing my weeds instead of nourishing my flowers.
But when I focus on my flowers and the things that I am good at, my talents and my strengths, they bloom and my attitude changes. The sun comes out and life is beautiful. Your mind is the easiest rose garden to tend to. You literally just need to focus on your flowers and cast your weeds to the wayside. I can promise you that as you focus on the good instead of the bad, your attitude and how you view yourself will change and your life will become better.
So do you want weeds, or do you want flowers?
"From time to time you need to go through the garden of your mind and weed out the bad thoughts. Not just the unclean thoughts but the negative ones that weigh you down and depress you. Weeds grow best where nothing else is growing. So, keep the garden of your mind full of good things to keep the weeds out."
Will you leave your garden barren, perfect for weeds of self doubt and self loathing to grow? Or will you work on your garden, pulling out the bad and replacing it with the good? Some days will be tough, but as you actively take notice of what is growing in your mind and replace those thoughts of unworthiness and self-pity with thoughts of the Savior's love for you, you will notice a difference in your attitude and you will be happier.
I have come to know through my own experiences how damaging focusing on a bad thought can be. When I nitpick my actions and what I'm doing, when I focus on the little bad things in my life, they grow and become huge and overwhelming to the point where that is all I see in my life. Too often I find myself nourishing my weeds instead of nourishing my flowers.
But when I focus on my flowers and the things that I am good at, my talents and my strengths, they bloom and my attitude changes. The sun comes out and life is beautiful. Your mind is the easiest rose garden to tend to. You literally just need to focus on your flowers and cast your weeds to the wayside. I can promise you that as you focus on the good instead of the bad, your attitude and how you view yourself will change and your life will become better.
So do you want weeds, or do you want flowers?
Sunday, August 23, 2015
The Greatest Compliment
What good will a covenant do if you don't uphold your end?
A covenant is a sacred agreement between God and a person or group of people. God sets specific conditions, and He promises to bless us as we obey those conditions.
We have many names we are called by on this Earth. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Teacher, Friend, etc. The most important name we are called is child of God. Committed children of the covenant push forward no matter what. The greatest compliment that can be received in this life is to be known as a covenant keeper. As we keep the covenants and commandments of the Lord we will grow in confidence.
I can see the blessings that come from being a covenant keeper. They aren't always big. In fact, most often the blessings are small and you would miss them if you weren't paying attention. There is an added strength that comes from keeping your part of the promise. Heavenly Father blesses you through your trials as you faithfully serve Him and endure what is placed before you. Either He will take that burden from you, or He will strengthen your back to be able to bear the load.
I can see the blessings that come from being a covenant keeper. They aren't always big. In fact, most often the blessings are small and you would miss them if you weren't paying attention. There is an added strength that comes from keeping your part of the promise. Heavenly Father blesses you through your trials as you faithfully serve Him and endure what is placed before you. Either He will take that burden from you, or He will strengthen your back to be able to bear the load.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Improving Ourselves
This weekend is stake conference for my singles stake in Rexburg. I'll give you one guess as to what the main topic of the talks were to young singles in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That's right: Marriage. I can imagine all the eye rolls that happened when the first speaker started to talk about the importance of marriage and having a family. As part of the LDS culture, marriage is a popular topic that we've all heard on many occasions. As singles, we are always being asked about when we are going to get married and start a family. It's not like we don't want that, it's just that we don't quite get the importance of it right now.
I had this thought while listening to the first speaker as he talked about his family and the love he expressed for them. "The leaders of our church know the joy from having families and they want us to have and experience that joy. That's why they push marriage and family so much."
My favorite thing was how they related having a family to us singles now. The Saturday evening session talked about strengthening ourselves now so we can be prepared for our families when the time comes. It was an answer to my prayers, on how to improve myself.
I had this thought while listening to the first speaker as he talked about his family and the love he expressed for them. "The leaders of our church know the joy from having families and they want us to have and experience that joy. That's why they push marriage and family so much."
My favorite thing was how they related having a family to us singles now. The Saturday evening session talked about strengthening ourselves now so we can be prepared for our families when the time comes. It was an answer to my prayers, on how to improve myself.
-Don't just say your prayers. Speak them to someone who is really listening.
THINK about what you are saying.
-You cannot read the scriptures too much. Life changing statement right there.
You can always read the scriptures, no matter if you've read them that day already.
-Give 10% of your time to the Lord.
-Always attend church meetings.
-Go often to the temple.
-Take the time now to strengthen your testimony.
-Offer sincere prayers daily.
-Look for the Spirit to guide you.
Thin of the ancestors who volunteered in the preexistence to live during the periods of Earth's history when the gospel was missing. Think of their willingness to suffer and have a hard life so you can have the gospel in your life. They only ask that you help them receive the gospel, too.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
The Things You Learn When You End Up in the Wrong Ward
My first Sunday in Rexburg was spent {on accident} in the wrong ward. I thought I was in the right place for the right ward, but I was mistaken. Luckily for me, everyone in Rexburg is really friendly so I was taken in as though it had been my ward. So in this singles ward that was not mine, we read in Acts chapter 10 and discussed the story of Cornelius during Sunday School, which is the second hour of our 3 hour church. Verses 1 through 8 of Acts chapter 10 start the story off for us. Cornelius is described as a centurion, or soldier, for the Italian army. So Cornelius, this Roman soldier, is "a devout man, and one that feared God with all his house, which gave much alms to the people, and prayed to God alway." {verse 2}.
One night, Cornelius has a vision. In this vision, an angel of the Lord appears to him and says to him "Thy prayers and thine alms are come up for a memorial before God. And now send men to Joppa, and call for one Simon, whose surname is Peter." As someone else in the class had pointed out, Simon Peter is one of Jesus Christ's disciples. This story takes place after Christ's Crucifixion, Resurrection, and ascension into heaven. Simon Peter is now the prophet of the Lord. So the angel didn't appear to Cornelius and tell him directly the answer to his prayer. The angel appeared and instructed Cornelius to go to a prophet of God to know what to do. Cornelius was a very obedient man, and in the morning he sent servants to Joppa to bring Simon Peter back to instruct him.
While the servants of Cornelius are journeying to Joppa, Peter is having his own vision.
"And he saw heaven opened and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth,
Wherein were all manner of four-footed beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.
But Peter said. Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.
And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." {verses 11-15}.
According to the Mosaic Law, Jews were not allowed to partake of unclean animals. Peter pondered over the vision he saw, wondering what it could mean. But it wasn't referring to the partaking of unclean animals that the Lord had suddenly deemed "clean." Another part of the Mosaic Law was that Jews could not interact with Gentiles for Gentiles did not believe their traditions and did not believe in their God. You may or may not have known this, but Cornelius was in fact a Gentile. When his servants came to Peter and asked him to visit their master, it finally dawns on him what God was trying to tell him in the vision. Heavenly Father was preparing a way for Cornelius and his family to accept the gospel into their lives. It was finally time to change the rules so that more families could be blessed by the knowledge of the gospel.
Another girl brought up a really good point towards the end of class. She wanted to know the difference between Gentiles learning the gospel or blacks receiving the priesthood back then and gay marriage or women receiving the priesthood today. Previously the prophet had been given revelation about changing the former two things, and she had heard people arguing that the prophet could pray to receive revelation for the latter two things. Then I received inspiration from above because the answer that came to mind did not come from me.
The family is central to Heavenly Father's plan. He created this Earth for man and gave us families and tools to protect our families so we could learn to be like Him and return home someday. So if it is something that will benefit the family, God will make it so. From the 1800's until 1978, blacks were not allowed to receive the priesthood. Not much of an explanation is given, although I wonder if it had something to do with the time period in which this took place. Anyways, the why is not important because God's ways are not our ways. What matters is that God saw that it was time to bless more of His children so worthy males of any ethnicity were now offered the priesthood. It is my opinion that the Lord will change things if it is for the benefit of the family. In Jerusalem, it was time to start teaching Gentiles and their families. In the 1970's it was time to bless families of African descent with priesthood holders in their homes.
It is also my opinion that gay marriage and women holding the priesthood is not good for families. These two items destroy families. Heavenly Father did not set up a man and a man or a woman and a woman to "multiply and replenish the earth." It is physically not possible for homosexual partners to reach their full potential because they are not with someone who can help them achieve that full potential. A man and a woman are needed for a family to receive the full care they are expected to receive. A man has the priesthood to provide spiritually. A woman has motherhood to provide physically, through nurturing. The father provides financially for his family while mother stays at home to care for the children. That is the way Heavenly Father set it up, and that is how it will survive.
One night, Cornelius has a vision. In this vision, an angel of the Lord appears to him and says to him "Thy prayers and thine alms are come up for a memorial before God. And now send men to Joppa, and call for one Simon, whose surname is Peter." As someone else in the class had pointed out, Simon Peter is one of Jesus Christ's disciples. This story takes place after Christ's Crucifixion, Resurrection, and ascension into heaven. Simon Peter is now the prophet of the Lord. So the angel didn't appear to Cornelius and tell him directly the answer to his prayer. The angel appeared and instructed Cornelius to go to a prophet of God to know what to do. Cornelius was a very obedient man, and in the morning he sent servants to Joppa to bring Simon Peter back to instruct him.
While the servants of Cornelius are journeying to Joppa, Peter is having his own vision.
"And he saw heaven opened and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth,
Wherein were all manner of four-footed beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.
But Peter said. Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.
And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." {verses 11-15}.
According to the Mosaic Law, Jews were not allowed to partake of unclean animals. Peter pondered over the vision he saw, wondering what it could mean. But it wasn't referring to the partaking of unclean animals that the Lord had suddenly deemed "clean." Another part of the Mosaic Law was that Jews could not interact with Gentiles for Gentiles did not believe their traditions and did not believe in their God. You may or may not have known this, but Cornelius was in fact a Gentile. When his servants came to Peter and asked him to visit their master, it finally dawns on him what God was trying to tell him in the vision. Heavenly Father was preparing a way for Cornelius and his family to accept the gospel into their lives. It was finally time to change the rules so that more families could be blessed by the knowledge of the gospel.
Another girl brought up a really good point towards the end of class. She wanted to know the difference between Gentiles learning the gospel or blacks receiving the priesthood back then and gay marriage or women receiving the priesthood today. Previously the prophet had been given revelation about changing the former two things, and she had heard people arguing that the prophet could pray to receive revelation for the latter two things. Then I received inspiration from above because the answer that came to mind did not come from me.
The family is central to Heavenly Father's plan. He created this Earth for man and gave us families and tools to protect our families so we could learn to be like Him and return home someday. So if it is something that will benefit the family, God will make it so. From the 1800's until 1978, blacks were not allowed to receive the priesthood. Not much of an explanation is given, although I wonder if it had something to do with the time period in which this took place. Anyways, the why is not important because God's ways are not our ways. What matters is that God saw that it was time to bless more of His children so worthy males of any ethnicity were now offered the priesthood. It is my opinion that the Lord will change things if it is for the benefit of the family. In Jerusalem, it was time to start teaching Gentiles and their families. In the 1970's it was time to bless families of African descent with priesthood holders in their homes.
It is also my opinion that gay marriage and women holding the priesthood is not good for families. These two items destroy families. Heavenly Father did not set up a man and a man or a woman and a woman to "multiply and replenish the earth." It is physically not possible for homosexual partners to reach their full potential because they are not with someone who can help them achieve that full potential. A man and a woman are needed for a family to receive the full care they are expected to receive. A man has the priesthood to provide spiritually. A woman has motherhood to provide physically, through nurturing. The father provides financially for his family while mother stays at home to care for the children. That is the way Heavenly Father set it up, and that is how it will survive.
Friday, August 7, 2015
A Fresh Start
You'll never guess where I am right now. I can't even believe it myself. I have my very own apartment that I am paying for all by myself. I've been working at a gelato shop since coming home and teaching dance in my home. I saved up every little penny so I could move out to Idaho and be on my own. I believe this is a very necessary part of my healing process. When I was living in the home I grew up in, I had fallen back into my old habits. I was staying up late watching t.v. only to sleep in late to get up to watch more t.v. Life had become this cycle of doing nothing to strengthen my relationship with Heavenly Father. I didn't read my scriptures any more, hardly ever said a sincere prayer just to talk with Him. The time had come for something to be done. Since I will be starting classes at BYU-I in January, I came to the conclusion that it was time to move to Idaho and get a job and forge my own life. Essentially, it was time for a fresh start to save my relationship with my Father in Heaven.
And it was the best thing I could have done for myself. My roommate is amazing. She's been living here for several months already and she has brought the Spirit into this little apartment so wonderfully. She has pictures of Jesus Christ everywhere and pictures of the temple. She's always talking about gospel topics and expressing her love for the restored gospel. Every night we do apartment prayer and her scriptures are always nearby. It's been a great loving reminder, and whether she knows it or not, she's been the reason my relationship is already stronger. She is such a great example to me and I will forever be grateful for her.
I was reading last night in Tanner's Book of Mormon. {I'm reading a blue copy of the Book of Mormon with my little brother in mind and I'm marking things and writing inspirational quotes, anything that I think will help him on his mission} In 1 Nephi 16:10, Nephi's father Lehi discovers "a round ball of curious workmanship." This is the Liahona, given to the family to guide them to the Promised Land. Within the Liahona are two spindles, one which points the way "whither we should go into the wilderness." I wrote on a sticky note for Tanner this simple question: "What are the spindles that guide you through the wilderness?" Take a moment and answer that for yourself.
I know that God didn't just put us on this Earth to wander around clueless, just as He didn't send Nephi's family into the wilderness to perish. That's not the purpose of this Earth life and I am so grateful for that. Heavenly Father has given us plenty of tools to get back to Him. He has given us prophets, both ancient and modern, to guide and instruct us. As we read the Bible,the Book of Mormon, and modern scripture such as the Doctrine and Covenants and conference talks, we will have a better understanding of what Heavenly Father wants for us. We can also pray to bring our lives closer to His. Prayer is a communication tool. You're not just throwing words out into the wind. When you pray to your Father in Heaven, you're praying to someone who loves you more than you can comprehend. He knows the desires of your heart before you figure out how to vocalize them. If you have righteous desires, He will give them to you.
There are so many more things we've been given that can and do guide us in the wilderness and point us back to Him. We are not alone in this life.
And it was the best thing I could have done for myself. My roommate is amazing. She's been living here for several months already and she has brought the Spirit into this little apartment so wonderfully. She has pictures of Jesus Christ everywhere and pictures of the temple. She's always talking about gospel topics and expressing her love for the restored gospel. Every night we do apartment prayer and her scriptures are always nearby. It's been a great loving reminder, and whether she knows it or not, she's been the reason my relationship is already stronger. She is such a great example to me and I will forever be grateful for her.
I was reading last night in Tanner's Book of Mormon. {I'm reading a blue copy of the Book of Mormon with my little brother in mind and I'm marking things and writing inspirational quotes, anything that I think will help him on his mission} In 1 Nephi 16:10, Nephi's father Lehi discovers "a round ball of curious workmanship." This is the Liahona, given to the family to guide them to the Promised Land. Within the Liahona are two spindles, one which points the way "whither we should go into the wilderness." I wrote on a sticky note for Tanner this simple question: "What are the spindles that guide you through the wilderness?" Take a moment and answer that for yourself.
I know that God didn't just put us on this Earth to wander around clueless, just as He didn't send Nephi's family into the wilderness to perish. That's not the purpose of this Earth life and I am so grateful for that. Heavenly Father has given us plenty of tools to get back to Him. He has given us prophets, both ancient and modern, to guide and instruct us. As we read the Bible,the Book of Mormon, and modern scripture such as the Doctrine and Covenants and conference talks, we will have a better understanding of what Heavenly Father wants for us. We can also pray to bring our lives closer to His. Prayer is a communication tool. You're not just throwing words out into the wind. When you pray to your Father in Heaven, you're praying to someone who loves you more than you can comprehend. He knows the desires of your heart before you figure out how to vocalize them. If you have righteous desires, He will give them to you.
There are so many more things we've been given that can and do guide us in the wilderness and point us back to Him. We are not alone in this life.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Attainable Happiness: A Message from the Tattooed Mormon
Today I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to Al Fox Caraway, otherwise known as "The Tattooed Mormon," speak. Al definitely has a talent for speaking and captivating large audiences. I loved her instantly, and that love grew as I listened to her message of real, attainable happiness.
It's interesting to me that Al's story isn't one of leaving her sorrowful life behind and finding a better one through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Rather, her story is one of swapping out what she thought was the happiest self she could be for an even happier self. Al talked about how, at age 20, she thought she had everything she needed to be happy, that she was at the peak of happiness. She didn't realize that anything was missing from her life. Then she met the missionaries and saw something "different" about them. Al discovers that she wants them around so she can feel that difference in her life too. As she continues her story, there are moments when she is humbled and has a chance to actually listen to the Holy Ghost talking to her, telling her how she can attain real happiness. "It wasn't until I gave my 'real' try that I started to overcome what I thought I could never overcome." "Happiness is real. Happiness is attainable. It doesn't come from any other source than the gospel of Jesus Christ."
Al Caraway tells her story so much better than I could ever sum up here on my blog, but I will leave the things that impressed my heart enough to write them down. I am so grateful that she shared her experiences and her testimony with us tonight for it truly has inspired me to work for lasting happiness.
"The moment you stop and take a break, that is the moment when fear, doubt, anxiety, and depression set in and take you down a path Heavenly Father doesn't want to see you go down."
"It all comes down to one choice, so choose God."
"I wouldn't have any of the beautiful, wonderful things in my life if I didn't choose God every single day."
"Where would I be if [my elders] stopped because they thought they weren't making a difference in my life?"
"God is an unchangeable God, not just for commandments but for His love. He will always love you."
"Forget not whose Hands you are in."
"Do not let giving up be an option."
If you would like to know more of Al's story, head on over to her blog!
http://alfoxshead.blogspot.com/2013/04/tattooed-mormon.html
It's interesting to me that Al's story isn't one of leaving her sorrowful life behind and finding a better one through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Rather, her story is one of swapping out what she thought was the happiest self she could be for an even happier self. Al talked about how, at age 20, she thought she had everything she needed to be happy, that she was at the peak of happiness. She didn't realize that anything was missing from her life. Then she met the missionaries and saw something "different" about them. Al discovers that she wants them around so she can feel that difference in her life too. As she continues her story, there are moments when she is humbled and has a chance to actually listen to the Holy Ghost talking to her, telling her how she can attain real happiness. "It wasn't until I gave my 'real' try that I started to overcome what I thought I could never overcome." "Happiness is real. Happiness is attainable. It doesn't come from any other source than the gospel of Jesus Christ."
Al Caraway tells her story so much better than I could ever sum up here on my blog, but I will leave the things that impressed my heart enough to write them down. I am so grateful that she shared her experiences and her testimony with us tonight for it truly has inspired me to work for lasting happiness.
"The moment you stop and take a break, that is the moment when fear, doubt, anxiety, and depression set in and take you down a path Heavenly Father doesn't want to see you go down."
"It all comes down to one choice, so choose God."
"I wouldn't have any of the beautiful, wonderful things in my life if I didn't choose God every single day."
"Where would I be if [my elders] stopped because they thought they weren't making a difference in my life?"
"God is an unchangeable God, not just for commandments but for His love. He will always love you."
"Forget not whose Hands you are in."
"Do not let giving up be an option."
If you would like to know more of Al's story, head on over to her blog!
http://alfoxshead.blogspot.com/2013/04/tattooed-mormon.html
Friday, June 12, 2015
Find a Mr. M.
I have recently started dating a really great guy. Mr. M, we'll call him, isn't great when it comes to the things of the world. He doesn't make buckets and buckets of money at his super fancy job. He doesn't wear designer clothes and is up on the latest trends. Mr. M. does have a nice car, but that's because he takes care of it. It's not a luxurious sports car, but rather something modest that fits his needs. Mr. M. doesn't have any of these things, but that is OK because he doesn't need any of those things. Mr. M. is great because of who he is. This is who Mr. M. is.
He is a great listener.
I'm not much of a talker to begin with, but with Mr. M., I am so comfortable to ramble and say anything and everything that comes to mind because I know he accepts me for who I am and wants to hear what I have to say.
He fulfills his church calling.
Mr. M. knows his duties and what needs to be done to fulfill his calling and serve the members of the ward. He doesn't dillydally and he makes sure everything is complete.
He is respectful.
Not once have I felt afraid in Mr. M's presence. I know that he will treat me as a daughter of God.
He is kind and caring.
He is funny.
He happy with who he is.
He encourages me.
He lifts me up and does things to make me smile.
He constantly serves me in the smallest of ways that make the biggest impacts.
{stopping at Target and searching out the biggest bottle of water we could find.}
He sings along to the radio when we're driving in the car. And he car dances too!
He is passionate about life.
He is a great listener.
I'm not much of a talker to begin with, but with Mr. M., I am so comfortable to ramble and say anything and everything that comes to mind because I know he accepts me for who I am and wants to hear what I have to say.
He fulfills his church calling.
Mr. M. knows his duties and what needs to be done to fulfill his calling and serve the members of the ward. He doesn't dillydally and he makes sure everything is complete.
He is respectful.
Not once have I felt afraid in Mr. M's presence. I know that he will treat me as a daughter of God.
He is kind and caring.
He is funny.
He happy with who he is.
He encourages me.
He lifts me up and does things to make me smile.
He constantly serves me in the smallest of ways that make the biggest impacts.
{stopping at Target and searching out the biggest bottle of water we could find.}
He sings along to the radio when we're driving in the car. And he car dances too!
He is passionate about life.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
The Year Mark
Exactly one year ago today, I wrote this entry in my bright pink mission journal as I was preparing for bed:
This marks the end of my first day in the MTC {Missionary Training Center}. Last night I was stressing out over coming in because I wasn't quite prepared. I didn't have all the things done that I needed. I really shouldn't have worried as much as I did. Today has been great.
I've come to realize that this is my learning process: to have things repeated over and over and over and over and over again. Those first few sentences capture the biggest lesson I learned on my mission, and the lesson that I am still learning in life. The whole moral of my life story is don't stress. God has it all under control. Worrying and stressing about it only makes it worse, and the result is always the same. The result is always His ending.
One of my little quirks is that I like to have control of everything that I can. I want things to go according to my plan, and if they don't, my little world sorta falls apart. As I write this, I'm reaching the conclusion that that is why Heavenly Father sent me on a mission. Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was never part of my plan. Yet He planted the desire in my heart so that He could help me learn to trust His plan and His timing. I'm a long ways away from completely "putting off the natural man" {Mosiah chapter 3, verse 19, Book of Mormon} but, because of my mission, I am two steps closer to aligning my will to His.
Once I made the decision to serve the Lord with all of my heart, might, mind and strength, {Doctrine and Covenants section 4, verse 2} I thought that, in order to serve with all my heart, might, mind strength, I would need to serve the whole 18 months. But the Lord's timing is different for everyone. My 9 month mission was something that I did with all of my everything. I can say with a clear conscience that I gave the Lord my everything in Alabama. There may have been days that weren't as good as others, but it was a learning experience and I was a little bit better each day. I am eternally grateful for ALL the experiences, good and bad, that I had in Alabama. I am grateful for the people I met and the way that they individually shaped my life. If I had not served a mission, I would not be the woman I am today, and I would not be as close as I am to being the woman God would have me be.
With my AMAZING parents, being dropped off at the MTC.
All of the missionaries flying to Alabama.
This marks the end of my first day in the MTC {Missionary Training Center}. Last night I was stressing out over coming in because I wasn't quite prepared. I didn't have all the things done that I needed. I really shouldn't have worried as much as I did. Today has been great.
I've come to realize that this is my learning process: to have things repeated over and over and over and over and over again. Those first few sentences capture the biggest lesson I learned on my mission, and the lesson that I am still learning in life. The whole moral of my life story is don't stress. God has it all under control. Worrying and stressing about it only makes it worse, and the result is always the same. The result is always His ending.
One of my little quirks is that I like to have control of everything that I can. I want things to go according to my plan, and if they don't, my little world sorta falls apart. As I write this, I'm reaching the conclusion that that is why Heavenly Father sent me on a mission. Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was never part of my plan. Yet He planted the desire in my heart so that He could help me learn to trust His plan and His timing. I'm a long ways away from completely "putting off the natural man" {Mosiah chapter 3, verse 19, Book of Mormon} but, because of my mission, I am two steps closer to aligning my will to His.
Once I made the decision to serve the Lord with all of my heart, might, mind and strength, {Doctrine and Covenants section 4, verse 2} I thought that, in order to serve with all my heart, might, mind strength, I would need to serve the whole 18 months. But the Lord's timing is different for everyone. My 9 month mission was something that I did with all of my everything. I can say with a clear conscience that I gave the Lord my everything in Alabama. There may have been days that weren't as good as others, but it was a learning experience and I was a little bit better each day. I am eternally grateful for ALL the experiences, good and bad, that I had in Alabama. I am grateful for the people I met and the way that they individually shaped my life. If I had not served a mission, I would not be the woman I am today, and I would not be as close as I am to being the woman God would have me be.
With my AMAZING parents, being dropped off at the MTC.
All of the missionaries flying to Alabama.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
While Wearing Steel Boots and a Backpack Full of Rocks
"Sister Woodard, I wonder," there was a slight pause from the other end of the phone, "Have you ever thought about going home?" Thoughts raced through my mind as I stood with my back against the cupboards, facing the washing machine and dryer that sat by the back door of our little missionary apartment in Alexander City.
Had I thought about going home? Every day for the past several months. Several times a day. Every morning when I struggled to get up and out of bed. As I dreaded what the day might bring; thoughts of not being good enough, ideas that I would never be good enough for the work, that I would never be able to do what was expected of me.
Had I ever thought about going home? Only a thousand times since being transferred to Jasper in December and slipped into this vicious cycle of feeling unworthy and feeling guilty about feeling unworthy. Here I was in Alex City, in the month of March, and I still couldn't push through these feelings, and they were just getting worse.
I would never be able to admit all of this out loud, so I simply answered, "A little bit."
"Well, Sister Woodard," came Sister Hanks' sweet voice through my earpiece, "I wonder if that would be the best thing for you right now, to go home and get better."
Oh please, that's all I want. To feel better and be better. I want to be happy again.
Sister Hanks continued as I switched the phone from my left ear to my right ear. Her voice, as it always was, was calm and reassuring.
"Sister Woodard, you've been struggling with this for quite some time, and I want you to know that President Hanks and I are very proud of you. You have done a hard thing, and you have done it extremely well. You're doing a mission, which is hard enough already, buy you're doing it while wearing a backpack of rocks and steel boots and walking through mud. President and I couldn't be more proud."
And in that moment, I knew. I knew I didn't have to fight anymore. I knew I didn't have to keep walking uphill in the mud while wearing steel boots and a backpack full of rocks. I had truly done what I needed to do and the task was finished. Warmth and peace washed over me as I thought about going home nine months early from my mission in Alabama. I knew everything would be OK.
Serving a mission with depression and anxiety really was like Sister Hanks said: Like walking in mud wearing steel boots and a backpack full of rocks. At the beginning, it was even worse because I didn't realize that that was what I was doing. Slowly, the steel boots came on and heavy rocks were placed in my bag. It was a slow process, because at first I was able to shake the boots off and dump out the rocks. But then they kept coming back faster and it became tiring to get them off. I didn't know where this extra weight had come from, and I desperately wanted to give up. But I knew I couldn't. I knew I couldn't because of a life lesson I learned from my parents.
When I was about 11, I decided I wanted to play softball. When I discovered that being on a softball team wasn't for me, I wanted to quite. But my parents wouldn't let me. They told me that I had committed to the team and that I would need to finish out the season so I didn't let them down. That lesson has stayed with me my whole life, and I was determined to stay until the end of my mission and not let anybody down. That might have made things a little worse for me, because then I started to feel that, even though I was staying, I was letting people down, that I wasn't good enough to be a missionary. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that that was Satan tearing me down. Our Heavenly Father knows my worth and he would never tell me I'm not good enough for Him. Despite all of my flaws and shortcomings, I know that Father loves me as I am. With His help, I will become even greater.
Leaving my mission early was the hardest decision I have ever made, but I know it was what was best for me. Those nine months were hard, but so very very worth it. I learned things I never would have learned at home. I grew in ways I never even imagined. And I was able to touch people's lives in ways that I most likely don't even realize. I don't have to preach the gospel like other missionaries. I have a different song to sing, and a different way to sing it. There are different people to hear my song, and they aren't in Alabama. AND THAT IS OK.
I'm coming closer to being alright with this situation. My trust is in God the Almighty, and I know I will never be led astray.
Had I thought about going home? Every day for the past several months. Several times a day. Every morning when I struggled to get up and out of bed. As I dreaded what the day might bring; thoughts of not being good enough, ideas that I would never be good enough for the work, that I would never be able to do what was expected of me.
Had I ever thought about going home? Only a thousand times since being transferred to Jasper in December and slipped into this vicious cycle of feeling unworthy and feeling guilty about feeling unworthy. Here I was in Alex City, in the month of March, and I still couldn't push through these feelings, and they were just getting worse.
I would never be able to admit all of this out loud, so I simply answered, "A little bit."
"Well, Sister Woodard," came Sister Hanks' sweet voice through my earpiece, "I wonder if that would be the best thing for you right now, to go home and get better."
Oh please, that's all I want. To feel better and be better. I want to be happy again.
Sister Hanks continued as I switched the phone from my left ear to my right ear. Her voice, as it always was, was calm and reassuring.
"Sister Woodard, you've been struggling with this for quite some time, and I want you to know that President Hanks and I are very proud of you. You have done a hard thing, and you have done it extremely well. You're doing a mission, which is hard enough already, buy you're doing it while wearing a backpack of rocks and steel boots and walking through mud. President and I couldn't be more proud."
And in that moment, I knew. I knew I didn't have to fight anymore. I knew I didn't have to keep walking uphill in the mud while wearing steel boots and a backpack full of rocks. I had truly done what I needed to do and the task was finished. Warmth and peace washed over me as I thought about going home nine months early from my mission in Alabama. I knew everything would be OK.
Serving a mission with depression and anxiety really was like Sister Hanks said: Like walking in mud wearing steel boots and a backpack full of rocks. At the beginning, it was even worse because I didn't realize that that was what I was doing. Slowly, the steel boots came on and heavy rocks were placed in my bag. It was a slow process, because at first I was able to shake the boots off and dump out the rocks. But then they kept coming back faster and it became tiring to get them off. I didn't know where this extra weight had come from, and I desperately wanted to give up. But I knew I couldn't. I knew I couldn't because of a life lesson I learned from my parents.
When I was about 11, I decided I wanted to play softball. When I discovered that being on a softball team wasn't for me, I wanted to quite. But my parents wouldn't let me. They told me that I had committed to the team and that I would need to finish out the season so I didn't let them down. That lesson has stayed with me my whole life, and I was determined to stay until the end of my mission and not let anybody down. That might have made things a little worse for me, because then I started to feel that, even though I was staying, I was letting people down, that I wasn't good enough to be a missionary. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that that was Satan tearing me down. Our Heavenly Father knows my worth and he would never tell me I'm not good enough for Him. Despite all of my flaws and shortcomings, I know that Father loves me as I am. With His help, I will become even greater.
Leaving my mission early was the hardest decision I have ever made, but I know it was what was best for me. Those nine months were hard, but so very very worth it. I learned things I never would have learned at home. I grew in ways I never even imagined. And I was able to touch people's lives in ways that I most likely don't even realize. I don't have to preach the gospel like other missionaries. I have a different song to sing, and a different way to sing it. There are different people to hear my song, and they aren't in Alabama. AND THAT IS OK.
I'm coming closer to being alright with this situation. My trust is in God the Almighty, and I know I will never be led astray.
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